The left eye
The grass blades trembled in the flickering light as they wavered in the direction of the heat infused breeze. The sun’s natural spotlight flashed as it flitted in and out of the clouds.
Nature’s scheduled transformation was well underway. Thanks to the miracle of spring, the surrounding trees now donned a stunning coat of chlorophyll green rather than the decaying brown of winter. The inviting warm breeze itself carried its own promise of a summer filled with the budding dreams of youth. Summertime nights on the dance floor loaded with music, blazing fastballs on the baseball diamond and winning home runs.
But before the celebrations, the crooked finger of reality dictated there was work to be done. The year’s rewards would have to wait as final year exams beckoned menacingly. While diligence had postmarked the academic year and confidence permeated in abundance, one had no idea what intellectual battles the educators had planned for us. But here in the shaded springtime another scent saturated the air. One of edgy excitement.
When it started I couldn’t tell, but it had been building slowly over the passing weeks. In North America wearing the clothes of one’s choice was encouraged as a way to exhibit one’s sense of personal style. Although creative expression is fantastic, high school hallways became more segregated as a result of this. Regardless of who you were as a person, what you wore determined who you were. As a result, disputes developed between the Lacoste wearing crowd and the Iron Maiden t-shirt mob. One such disagreement had escalated into an approaching fight after school one day. The combatants were Paul Gillis and Kevin Goodings. Gillis represented the hard rock disciples and had an earned reputation as a tough street fighter.
Kevin was the wrestling star on our high school team and with his movie star looks and trophy girlfriend, personified the school’s preppie tribe. The hallways were filled with whispered words and anticipation as 3pm approached. This was the agreed upon time for the altercation. Students gathered in the parking lot of our high school as the combatants appeared. I think it was Gillis that swung his fist first as Goodings bull rushed and tackled him. Frenzied cheers urged the protagonists on.
Most students had chosen a side though I remained impartial. They were both my friends though neither had been particularly close to me. Both were skilled pugilists and as such the fight was balanced but one wondered how the scales would tip? As the spectators’ shouts punctuated the air, the principal and deputy appeared and separated the gladiators. The crowd became silent as the boys were led away. Each received an undesired three-day vacation from school as a result of their altercation. Looking back, Goodings and Gillis encounter provided unforgettable entertainment for us but is digging your heels in the sand and swinging as hard as possible the best way to resolve a dispute? Mark Goulston, a psychiatrist, might be able to provide some insight. It may not be feasible to change someone’s unreasonable behaviour, but it is undoubtedly possible to make things worse. To maintain control is the first step. Failure in this regard would then mean there would be two irrational people screaming, which might entertain the crowd but isn’t good for anyone. Identify your feelings. “I’m feeling angry.” According to research, doing so will maintain emotional control. Next, focus on their left eye. If you must laugh, then do so, but remember that doing this will deflect attention away from their tirade. It is undoubtedly far more challenging to maintain your composure when a loved one is acting irrationally. When you are the target of insults, “I hate you.” They are probably not meant to be taken literally because what they are experiencing is disappointment rather than hatred. So reply: “I know you’re angry at me. Do you hate me or are you disappointed in me?”
Often this will de-escalate the situation. Then APOLOGISE. This can feel unfair because you’re not the one ranting. But often there is some validity in their accusation at least from their perspective. Problems in a relationship are usually two-sided to some degree, so you are probably not blameless. The point is to apologise first and empathise by going deeper into what they are feeling. It is hard to stay angry at someone who sincerely apologises and offers a heaping dose of empathy. Though keep in mind that arguments often go in a circle.
It doesn’t end when the situation is resolved, but rather when both get tired. The solution is to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future. Say: “I know I have upset you, but going forward what would you like me to do differently?” Implement the advice given with all sincerity, on your way to relationship enlightenment. Albert Einstein once said: “The most important decision you will ever make is whether you live in a safe or dangerous world.”
If you don’t see the other person as a threat – just as a good human being having a bad day – you can stay compassionate despite them losing their cool. One wonders if the United Nations might implement these suggestions to solve global issues. Does anyone have Vladimir Putin’s and Volodymyr Zelensky’s phone numbers?