Understanding your husband

You need to create a safe place for your husband to share his feelings How well do you understand your husband? That is a valid question.

Women don’t get a pass on the change process. They must ask themselves some tough questions too, such as whether or not they are showing their husbands respect in the way they approach them. Are you creating a safe place for your husband to share his feelings? Do you manage your emotions, modify your anger and share your concerns in an assertive, respectful way?

As I have reiterated in other columns, both partners must work on this issue. Both must create safety to share feelings. Both must manage their emotions, listen carefully and seek solutions together. If couples do this, they will enjoy a vibrant, life-enhancing relationship.

Women need to express themselves without feeling inferior or oppressed. They need to assert themselves and understand who they really are. Know your true identity. If you don’t know who you are, anyone can step up and define you using whatever criteria they choose. Wisdom is found in those who are slow to speak and slow to anger. If you are a boisterous character who loves to be bossy and domineering, you will achieve very little or nothing at all. A woman should be gentle in spirit and elegant in personality. Does that make her less than her husband? Absolutely not! A real man loves an assertive woman who knows her true identity in this messed up world.

Understand that men love to be respected and honoured. This, however, must be reciprocal. If a woman wants her husband to love her dearly, she must not look for it in what he can give her in terms of material things. Having a fancy car, expensive phone, wearing elaborate jewellery and the latest designer wear is not the evidence of a healthy marriage. Often women look for these things from a man and think that the material things are satisfying and they only end up frustrated and on the brink of divorce. Men are complex creatures and it takes time to understand them.

Many of the problems in marriage stem from a lack of understanding between men and women. If one has anger issues as a result of past experiences from childhood and/ or youthful days, the anger can be unleashed on the closest person, which is most likely your spouse. A woman’s experience with previous boyfriends and /or husbands may cloud her judgment of men and she may even stereotype all men and put them into one negative category. Always check your attitude and motives for what you do and how you behave. I know of a woman who didn’t want to settle where her husband chose to settle and she would give guests water to wash hands and then use that same dirty water to wash their plates before dishing out the food and she would do this in full view of the guests. A real woman will not allow herself to degenerate to such low levels.