How well do you understand your wife?

This is a matter that we take for granted yet it often results in ruined marriages and frustrated relationships. The human being is a complex creature that requires much attention and study through observation, listening and interaction. Are you so discouraged about the current state of your marriage? Does your spouse not acknowledge you?

Wives often feel neglected and unappreciated. Husbands feel they cannot do anything right.

When he hears his wife speak in anger, disappointment and with agitation, he just feels like quitting. Each person may feel wounded by the other, and the more each shares their discouragement, the more the other backs away. Their distance has grown so dramatic each has voiced considering a separation.

“I cannot be doing everything wrong, I have worked hard to provide for my family. I go to church with her. I make a good wage. I just don’t understand,” hubby says. Although those things may be true, I don’t think the husband realises the power and impact of his words. In spite of all the good he did, she probably feels he misses the point in a few critical areas.

The wife may really think he really is a good husband. She loves him and knows he is trying. But, she wants him to care about her in a deeper way. She wants him to pay attention to her, to ask her about her day. She wants him to care enough about her emotions and to listen carefully to them. He probably does not do that. It is like he is afraid to reach out and really touch her. Unless he wants sex, of course! Then she sees the tender side of him. It is really frustrating for her.

This story is one that is common in most marriages today. While some of these concerns can be attributed to gender issues such as men taking arguments impersonally, while women take them personally, or women needing an emotional connection in decision-making, while men tend to compartmentalise the facts, the issues remain. Many women are desperate for their husbands to understand them.

Let us look again at the challenge for men:

• “Leaning in” to emotional issues, rather than pushing away because of feeling overwhelmed;

• Caring enough about what our mates feel to ask questions gently and accept feedback we would rather push away;

• Not adding insult to injury by exploding in anger;

• Helping our mates word their concerns, paraphrasing what they tell us;

• Empathising with their feelings as well as validating their concerns;

• Taking complete ownership of the ways we complicate the communication process;

• Using the feedback we receive to become better men, better husbands. Many men reading this will probably become defensive. Some men may say, “It is not all our fault.” True enough, but some of it falls on our shoulders. We must listen carefully for any truth that exists. Others may say that women exaggerate the issues. Yes, that may be true. But, we still must lean in, listen and validate our spouses!