On the controversies of dating “types”

The other day I took a taxi to town and the passengers were chatting about mjolisto. One woman who said she is recently divorced, complained that nowadays it’s tough to find a good partner.

The man seated beside her told that there are actually many good men but many women reject them because they don’t fit into their supposed “standards.” The driver chirped in saying, Selo se sengwe se se tlileng go bolaya basadi ka bontsi, ke go claimer gore ba na le di “type.” Hehe!

He argued that some women tend to have unrealistic expectations of men and prioritise class and money over love. He said his girlfriend for example, had dumped him, telling him that he is not her “type.” Apparently, this after he had paid for her studies, but now that she had a well-paying job and her lifestyle improved, she suddenly looked down on him.

Well, I guess baby-girl evolved and grew, but dude remained stuck in one place. Kana fa gongwe wa rre o tla bo a nnetse bashi ruri a sa tle a tlhabologa…Growth is important such as is an improved standard of living. Le fa o godile o otliwa ka malutu, it’s OK to elevate to canapes and sushi. Levels, nana…

Everyone deserves their “Cinderella story.” Kgm!

But anyways, dikgang tsa go ipaakanyetsa motho di complicated. It’s important to do things for people with pure intentions without any hidden agendas. Or at least communicate the ‘terms and conditions’ of the “favour.”

Men who feel “owed” tend to become bitter and vengeful. The person would even go to the extent of badmouthing the woman, a mo sotla, a batla go mo tlhobosa ka batho. Or go around telling all and sundry, ‘O seka wa mmona a riana, ko a tswang teng ba sotlega, ke ne ka mo thusa…’ le bo ‘Gompieno o tlhabologile, o ithaya a re…’

Ao! Shee…

Such an attitude is egoistical and has the hallmarks of narcissist sociopathy.

Banna ba mesoroto eo, ke bone ba e reng kamoso a bo a batla go bolaya mosadi a bua bo: ‘E ka re ke go diretse jaana le jaana a bo dira jaana…’ That ‘I did this and that’ attitude is also a turn off. On the other hand, some men develop insecurities when a woman is independent. Intimidated. Kana fa gongwe e a bo e se gore motho o rata dilo; e a bo e le motho o mongwe hela a itshoga. It takes a confident and mature man to be with a successful woman without feeling inferior. Of course there are many men who are dating or married to women who are independent and successful, some who even earn more than they do, but they don’t feel emasculated or insecure. An example is that popular Phakalane ‘celebrity’ couple who often flaunt their lavish life on social media. Some people often mock the man saying that he is financially supported by his wife. Ba mmitsa ‘trophy-husband.’ So what?

At the end of the day, pelo e ja serati! What I find boggling is how some people have the perception that referencing “type” is snobbishly looking down on someone, but that’s not entirely true.

A ‘type’ is considering compatibility in terms of background, emotions, intellect, personality, principles and values.

Practically, it makes sense to be with someone that you have some things in common with.

Birds of a feather flock together…

It is also about standards. Everyone wants to be with someone they are proud of…

Don’t get mad at other people for having standards…Le wena ingapangapele gore o nne “type.” Ha!

African culture can humble you. Serious. There are certain things that you just have to do, and not ask questions. In fact, elders will tell you, “Just do as I say. I also used to do what I was told when growing up and would do without hesitation,” they would say. But while our traditions and cultures are important and make us who we are, we need to get rid of such superstitious tendencies that are really meaningless, unnecessary, and most of the time instill fear. I guess it is also our culture that elders are not supposed to apologise to their children even if they realise that they are wrong. They would never. It is a taboo, unheard of, but a culture we need to inculcate and promote, especially now when a lot of people including youngsters are dealing with mental health and psychosocial issues. Many parents know that they have wronged their children in more ways than they can admit. This is just wrong! Traditions and cultures, especially those that promote love, peace and strong families are so dear to us. We would not want to trade them for anything, however, those that perpetuate abuse, and oppression should not have a place in society. The damage that can be caused by a parent, who in the name of culture failed to acknowledge their mistake and apologise to their child, is immeasurable. We all understand that apologising to anyone is not easy, let alone to your child. But the thing is, elders are not always right. This might be the picture that many children have been made to believe, but as a parent, if you realise that you are wrong, or you made a bad decision about something, it would be best to quickly admit it, and make room to apologise. Saying I am sorry, does not take away from you as a parent. In fact, it could cement a very important value of honesty and mutual respect to the youngsters. Something that could shape their lives forever. But, sometimes it is not that elders do not realise that they might have been wrong, it is only that they can never communicate that. They would rather do something for you, a treat, a small gift or even a playful smack, just in an effort to make you realise that they are sorry, but to utter the words, no way! A very poor attempt at apologising verbally would be to say, “O tla intshwarela (You’ll forgive me) but this is not a genuine apology. An acceptable apology should sound like, “I realise that I was wrong about this and that, I am sorry.”

The truth is, no one is perfect, and from time to time elders will make mistakes and make wrong decisions that require them to apology to their children. So normalise saying I am sorry. Just try it, come on, say ‘I’m sorry.”