Life after pornography
Quick-fix solutions are the order of the day in this 21st Century. People will be quick to tell you all sorts of advice. Be careful what you listen to and whom you take advice from. Some people always think they have the perfect solution, but is the problem really that simple? I will emphasise again that the solution to the plague must be a process that results in meaningful healing, which affords everyone affected a healthy life thereafter in all spheres of life. A heart and a mind that is steadfast in the midst of betrayal is not numb to pain, but learns to respond to all the pain and uncertainty by knowing that God the father knows all about your situation and cares for you. Long before you ever knew of your husband’s hidden sexual sin, God was fully aware, waiting for the right moment to expose it for a purpose, and to bring a meaningful change of heart. Pain is inevitable, but we don’t have to bear it alone.
As a wounded wife, recognise that your husband is more wounded than you are because his indulgence has put him in the deep end of the cesspool of filth. The first step in finding healing is to refuse to blame yourself for his sin. He may even want to blame you for it, but be assured it is not your fault. He personally made a choice to be caught up in that sin. Secondly, seek counseling as to how to handle the dilemma. You don’t have to go through it alone. Be careful not to quickly confide in ordinary people who cannot offer you meaningful solutions. You might become the subject of gossip in your neighborhood. Thirdly, seek Biblical solutions in the Scriptures such as where Paul says, “we can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:3–5). When you practice steadfastness with an understanding of the reality of God and what is really going on, you can turn your visual husband towards obedience to the Word, when he sees “your pure and reverent life” (1 Peter 3:1–2).
Trust is essential in any relationship, but unfaithfulness shatters trust. Sometimes working to build trust only feeds fear. You go back to thinking, “What if he is lying again?” In fear you pull away just at the moment when real intimacy needs to increase. Instead of pulling away, focus on caring for your husband’s spiritual condition. The greater challenge of any wife facing uncertainty is not to believe that your husband will change, but that God is able to change your husband. In reality, your husband is seeking fulfillment through false intimacy.