KGAOLA CHAIN: NAVIGATING THE WORLD WITH A BISEXUAL IDENTITY
It is not a secret that one of the major conversations that frequently hits the grapevine in the city or gets discussed on major dialogue spaces such as Facebook is bisexuality. The conversations seem to always centre on bisexual men, especially those that date multiple genders at the same time. However, if we take a break from the angle that often villainizes bisexuality, we could see that bisexuals too have struggles with their sexuality as a result of being into more than one gender. There are negative beliefs that surround bisexuality, the internal discourse of bisexuals often creates anxiety and it is challenging to alternate or date more than one gender - of course not at the same time.
To begin with, the representation of queer characters on various media in general is not one to write home about. Not only is it inadequate but it is sometimes done in a way that enforces negative stereotypes.
Imagine then how each individual sexual orientation gets affected. To keep it short, the way bisexuality is portrayed is not always helpful. It is usually seen as 50/50 experience where you are into multiple genders the same way, which is far from the truth. Bisexuality manifests in different ways; the attraction across the different genders can differ and drastically. One could be into women both romantically and sexually while only being into men sexually or vice versa. The 50/50 stereotype may create anxiety about not being “bi enough” or lead to suppressing parts of oneself that are more expressive than what is expected.
The internal struggle may also get heightened by people that label bisexuality as a phase that later leads to identifying as gay or lesbian. Not only that, but there is a general belief that all bisexual people cannot be monogamous. All these beliefs may cause confusion and a reluctance to disclose one’s bisexual identity. As if that is not enough internal turmoil, then comes the uninformed discourse on whether bisexuality is the same as pansexuality and trying to set the limits on how many genders bisexual people can date. The journey to understanding yourself then becomes harder and harder.
Bisexual males then go on to have a piece of the toxic masculinity pie. Unhealthy ideals on what it means to be a man exist in society, and these inform gender roles and how we as people navigate relationships and life in general.
An unhealthy outlook on how to exist as a queer man may lead to internalised homophobia. It becomes easy to believe that being queer means you are not a “real man” and you may shy away from other queer men especially those that express their feminine sides more than you do. For women, there is always the pressure to find a man you can be a good or submissive wife to, and never consideration for the fact that you may not be interested in being with a man long term or romantically.
Toxic masculinity tells men they should not to be vulnerable or see the women they date as worthy of respect and equality. As a bisexual man, it becomes easy to try overcompensate for your attraction to the same sex when you are navigating dating women or being with them sexually. Sometimes the toxic masculinity may make you doubt that you can be with a woman if you are bisexual. It may also affect how you express your attraction and bisexual identity, limiting sides of you that are not aligned with toxic ideals of what being a “real man” is.
Lastly, it should be noted that the dynamics in heterosexual relationships are different from those in queer relationships, but if you are bisexual there is a likelihood that there may be a greater intersection of both worlds. It may be a challenge to navigate between the two due to the differences. For women, their bisexuality may be sexualised and reduced to the opportunity to be joined by a third party, preferably female, during sexual intercourse. All in all, dating as a bisexual person is not as easy as it is made out to be, and those that only stick to one gender should know that their bisexuality is still valid.
At the end of it all, it is important that society and the queer community understand and respect that bisexuality is valid. This could help people that identify as bisexual with their journey to self-acceptance but they should also know it is up to them to find meaning of who they are. As for the belief that bisexuals are not monogamous, they can be. In every relationship, it is important to discuss with your partner about whether you can see other people but the general advice is, “kgaola chain.”