The Wild Wild G-West: Statement from the policed

It would be remiss for the public not to receive a statement from both The Police and The Policed regarding the incident that unfolded somewhere in the west of our capital city. The police have not said anything yet.

This column is the unofficial mouthpiece of The Policed and represents the community angle basically because I have a slot in a newspaper column and not because of any powers vested on me by the community.

I am debunking the myth that press conferences/releases are always conducted by bulky men with more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Here I am trying to give you a blow by blow account or if you like a shot by shot account of what happened. I was not at the scene but pieced together information garnered from very suspect and unreliable sources. My sources ranged from Facebook posts, Phase 2 residents, airtime vendors, Phase 2 mealies sellers, students and neighborhood cats.

As a pseudo-journalist, I too have the responsibility to report on things that happened no matter how unreliable my sources are. With a veil of silence enveloping all the police precincts, I remain your only hope. In short you are stuck with me here. So buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Growing up we used to watch movies of Western gunslingers take over cities and towns using the might of the gun. A feeling of déjà vu descended in our city except this time but unlike in a Western movie, the cops were the good guys. In another interesting coincidence this whole exchange happened in Phase 2, a suburb on the western side of the city. So the Wild, Wild West seemed to have landed in town.

The police used special guns that can sniff out female and male and their bullets seemed to have an uncanny ability to land on a male. These must be 4IR-compliant guns with special features not to hit a female.

They are programmed to anti-GBV mode so their ammunition is such that it will only leave a graze (nothing serious) when it comes in contact with a female.

Half the town gathered there to witness this drama. City dwellers came in droves. For most of us, a Western movie happening on your doorstep is something not to be missed. We could well have been watching a social soccer kick-about. Seemingly the law in Botswana is that whenever there’s a shootout or a bomb explosion, the public must gather at the scene immediately so they get first hand evidence without reading reports of same from suspect journalists.

Imagine if Btv reports this, they will probably get the name of the place wrong and the number of victims wrong. That is why we congregate at such scenes.

I met an acquaintance driving like a Michael Schumacher reincarnate and on enquiry he told me he was rushing to the Phase 2 shootout. Rushing to a shootout! Not from a shootout. Lord help us. We truly are a special breed.

At this rate it would not be surprising to hear people talking about and having itches to visit Ukraine just to see how the war is panning out there. We could well be the first nation of war tourists!

The response from the robbers’ section, however, was like a Clint Eastwood gone wrong. It was like trying to hold a breaking wall with a can. At the end of the hostilities, the Phase 2 mansion had been shot at more than Iraq.

Every single one lost their life except the lady. Ladies are a tough breed and this one was no exception.

Whoever said ladies were the weaker sex clearly must have lost their marbles because within a few days the bulletproof lady sauntered into a magistrate court complete with her slay kit, a bullet abrasion and beautiful looks. She was as unwelcome as a fart in an elevator in that courtroom.

Luckily for her, Batswana are not so clued up in baying for a suspect’s blood and the closest we can get to this is glare at suspects and contort our faces until they look like smashed crabs.

New age pastors in their Italian cut suits and pointed shoes always preach miracle money, miracle promotions and miracle weddings. How about they add miracle lady while at it. I have no doubt that most churches will be clamouring for her membership if only to demonstrate the power of Jesus. She truly is a miracle even if your church is not a fire church.

By the time this column lands on your lap you might well have gotten hold of a statement from The Police but until then the statement from The Policed will do just fine.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)

The

Police used special guns that can sniff out female and male and their bullets seemed to have an uncanny ability to land on a

male.