My partner wants his way all the time
Please keep my identity anonymous. I have been in a relationship for three years now. My partner is a great man. He inspires me to be a better person. He understands me. He is romantic. We are compatible and connect at a deeper level. The main problem I have with him is that he does not know how to handle conflict. He wants to have his way all the time. I compromise in most areas of our relationship and do not have a problem with him having his way. However, once in a while I wanna have my way and he does not indulge me. He wants to rule and dominate me. If I decide to go against his advice he overreacts, utters profanities, intimidates me or pouts for prolonged periods. I have begun to feel powerless and worthless in our love. I now grudgingly give in to all of my partner’s demands but I am dying on the inside. Could I be in an abusive relationship? Kindly advise.
Dear Anonymous
Emotional abuse is a type of Gender-Based Violence that is sometimes overlooked. This article therefore seeks to shed more light on emotional abuse. It is worth noting that emotional abuse is also enlisted as a form of domestic violence in Section 2 of the Domestic Violence Act Cap 28; 05. The contents of this article are largely excerpts taken from Paul Moglia’s book on Emotional abuse. For purposes of this piece, I will refer to the abuser occasionally as ‘he’. Nonetheless that does not negate the fact that women are or can be perpetrators of emotional abuse and other types of abuse at times.
Emotional abuse is a form of interpersonal violence that encompasses all forms of non-physical violence and distress caused through non-verbal and verbal actions. Emotional abuse is deliberate and manipulative and is a method of control. It often occurs in conjunction with other types of abuse, but it may also occur in isolation. Like other types of abuse, emotional abuse most often affects those with the least power and resources.
Emotional abusers have a need to dominate and feel in charge of their victims. Threatening or coercive tactics like intimidation, humiliation, harassment, embarrassment, social isolation, verbal assaults, insults, threats, financial control, work restrictions, and disregard for victims’ needs are all means to exert power and control over them. Occasional abusive behaviour does not intimate an abusive relationship, but the frequency and duration of emotional abuse episodes and the actions that lead up to emotional abuse determine if it is an ongoing pattern of abuse.
Whether obvious or subtle, emotional abuse eventually results in victims feeling powerless, hurt, angry, worthless, and afraid. Abusers choose who they will abuse. They do not threaten or abuse everyone; they abuse those closest to them. Abusers choose when to abuse. It is planned. In public, abusers may do well keeping themselves in control. Their outbursts of abusive behaviour are conserved for private altercations. Abuse is not a random act of loss of control; abusers can and do stop when it is to their benefit.
Emotional abusers often struggle with the same emotions as their victims. Frequently, abusers were victims of emotional abuse that caused them to feel the same sense of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, offenders generally seek people who are helpless or who do not acknowledge their own feelings, perceptions or viewpoints, which then allows abusers to feel securely in control of their victims.
Other schools of thought propound that emotional abuse by men generally has nothing to do with a man harbouring great proportions of anger. It largely stems from their faulty attitudes that women are inferior and that men ought to completely dominate and rule women in relationships. Abusers can come in all assortments; rich, middle class, poor, educated, uneducated, white, black, brown, etc.
Tactics of emotional abuse ensure abusers maintain control of their victims. Such tactics include the following: isolation from family and friends that increases victims’ dependence on their abuser; threats of personal harm, harm to loved ones, or self-harm that keep victims fearful to leave; intimidation with acts of aggression like destroying personal property, facial and physical gestures, harming pets, or displaying weapons that insinuate violent repercussions to make victims conform to the wishes of their abuser; and humiliation, verbal criticism, name-calling, shaming, and public insults that destroy self-esteem and leave victims powerless and controlled. Eventually, victims of emotional abuse lose all sense of self.
Sufferers of emotional abuse constantly decry that their abusers are mostly demanding and find fault with everything they do. Moreover, that their partners are always right in the relationship and deem their word as final authority.
Emotional abuse is often longer lasting than physical abuse because it is a gradual destruction of the victims’ confidence and sense of selfworth. Victims may be fearful to talk to anyone about the abuse because they have been convinced by their abuser that no one will believe them or they are threatened with severe consequences if they do.
Though physical injuries mend over time, emotional injuries can impact victims for a lifetime. Victims’ perceptions of their situation become unrealistic. They may not acknowledge or recognise the emotional abuse, and they develop coping mechanisms like denial and minimisation of their abuse as means to accommodate for it. Victims’ reports of emotional abuse reveal that their abusers controlled the company they kept, where they went, when they made family contact. They also threatened
Tactics of emotional
abuse ensure abusers maintain control of their victims
to take their children. Women, especially, reported that they were made to feel ashamed, belittled, or humiliated by their abuser.
Sometimes a relationship can be rescued from emotional abuse, if the victim of emotional abuse enacts boundaries against the abuser; they can do this by practicing tough love and refusing to bow down to their unreasonable demands and owning their own voice regardless of the abuser’s tantrums. By doing this, the abuser may learn how to respect their partner’s voice and decisions, intensify the abuse or leave the relationship altogether in order to find their fantasy woman who could meet all their needs and adhere to all their demands.
Whenever you give or make compromises in a relationship from a place of fear and intimidation, you may lose yourself completely and consequently loathe your own shadow; you may end up as carbon copy of your partner, which may probably kill the spark in your relationship, for it is our individual uniqueness that adds flavour to romance. When you give or make compromises from a place of love, your self-esteem increases and love in your union most likely blossoms. Conclusively, emotional abuse is a silent yet deadly cancer that often saps the victim’s zest for life. We can never enjoy our human rights to the fullest if our emotions and confidence are relentlessly battered, hence the need for us to individually and collectively take charge of our emotional health. Regardless of how worthless and powerless you may feel, you can reclaim your power and worth anytime and leap over emotional abuse.
*Gaone Monau is an attorney and motivational speaker on the areas of confidence building, stress management, relationships, self-discovery, gender-based violence and other specific areas of the law. For bookings, motivational talks, questions or comments on the aforesaid areas contact +26774542732 or laboutit22@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.