My twin sister has turned violent and become closet alcoholic
Please keep my identity anonymous. My twin sister has been married for some time now. She has always been a teetotaller and the most reserved, gentle, sweet, rational, diplomatic, polite, even-tempered, understanding and calm one in our family whereas I am the complete opposite despite being birthed by the same mother a few seconds apart.
My concern is that she has now become a closet alcoholic. She constantly erupts into violent fits of rage over minute issues towards everyone in the house more especially her husband.
I am witnessing this first hand from the six months that I have been temporarily staying with them. She long told me that her husband is emotionally abusive, but it never really sank until I recently discovered that she has been a closet alcoholic for two years now and after seeing her repetitively overreact.
Her husband is a nice, loving, responsible man who takes good care of his family and never hurts a fly publicly. My sister has shown me a barrage of barbaric and earth-shattering text messages and recorded conversations between her and her husband exchanging a litany of abusive words during some of their conflicts. From their recorded conversations, I am speechless that her hubby is truly emotionally abusive.
I am also shocked to the core that she equally retaliates by making venomous and abusive utterances to her significant other too. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that she was never like that; she says that she has turned into a monster because of her abusive husband and I unequivocally believe her.
There have also been a few times when I returned from work during my stay with them and found her face bruised from
Dear Anonymous
I presume that all the contents of your letter are truthful and correct. My advice will therefore stem from that presumption.
Before I proceed, it is noteworthy to mention that emotional abuse is no respecter of social class, educational background, personality, religion or race. Abusers come in multiple forms and colours. They can be overt or covert. Overt abusers may openly and privately abuse their spouses. On the other hand, covert abusers abuse their partners away from the glaring eye of the public.
It is mostly hard for the loved ones of a covertly abused spouse to believe such spouse’s claims until they behold tangible evidence. Covert abusers forever have a good rapport with the family and friends of their victims. Given that there are different types of abuse and that specific domestic abuse is generally the fruits of a toxic mentality of the abuser in an aspect of the romance, it is possible for a financially responsible partner to still be abusive in other facets of holy matrimony.
When casualties of domestic abuse stay in an abusive relationship for a prolonged period without any viable solution, a number of eventualities are most likely to occur. Dr Lenore Walker coined the term Battered Women Syndrome to explain some of the psychological effects of abuse on battered women. For the purposes of this article, I will refer to women as abuse victims and men as perpetrators of abuse as and when the moment is opportune. This does not in any way connote that gender-based violence (GBV) is only perpetrated by men, women can be committers of GBV too.
The first stage of Battered Women Syndrome includes emotionally abused women seeking to pacify the emotional abuse encountered from their partners in a relationship. Women may do this by bowing down to all the unreasonable demands of their spouses. Subsequent to psychological/emotional abuse, the abuser intensifies the abuse by battering the woman. Thereafter the abuser may apologise and bowl over their victim with sky high praises, romantic gestures and generally loving behaviour. This cycle becomes a constant companion of the relationship.
Over time, the woman begins to feel depressed and helpless in the hands of the abuser. Helplessness propels the woman to victimise herself and feel that she cannot escape the relationship. Sometimes helplessness is birthed from her religious beliefs, economic conditions or just sheer prolonged depression.
As a result of feeling perpetually helpless in the relationship the woman may develop addictive behaviours e.g substance abuse, overeating, excessive; partying, clubbing, church attendance, watching of tv e.t.c as a form of anesthesia to her inner pain emanating from abuse.
The woman may also become aggressive or violent towards her man, even during the lulls of abuse/violence in the relationship. At the height of aggression, the woman may kill the man despite the absence of provocation or abuse from the man at the time of murder.
In some jurisdictions, Battered Women Syndrome is a legal defence that the court takes into account when dealing with intimate partner homicide committed by women. Unfortunately, such a defence is not yet legally recognised in Botswana. Nevertheless, the reality of battered women syndrome cannot be denied in my view. I need not repeat the circumstances of your sister’s marriage in order to tally them with the contents of this article regarding Battered Women Syndrome.
Assuming that all your observations and assertions are spot on and accurate, it is manifestly clear that your sister is suffering from the effects of Battered Women Syndrome. We cannot downplay that she has become abusive to her husband too.
Abuse ought to be condemned in the strongest terms possible, regardless of the gender that committed it. Fortunately, her fights with her husband have not yet escalated to murder.
Perhaps if you sat down with her and explained about the Battered Women Syndrome and exposed her to more information on GBV she will break free from the prison of helplessness, take charge of her life and decide accordingly.
When talking to her, bear in mind that people have different thresholds for abuse. One can be abused for a month and speedily sever the relationship. Another can be abused for years and dissolve the relationship or take steps to remedy it when the abuse has already worsened. I hope the hand of additional knowledge on the Battered Women Syndrome and GBV in general will catapult your sister to be loosened from the claws of emotional and physical abuse. BEST WISHES!
*Gaone Monau is an attorney and motivational speaker on the areas of confidence building, stress management, relationships, self-discovery, gender-based violence and other specific areas of the law. For bookings, motivational talks, questions or comments on the aforesaid areas WhatsApp +26776548755 or email laboutit22@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is Law & Motivation with Ms Gee.