I am stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship

Dear Gaone

Please keep my identity anonymous. I have been in a relationship for three years now. My girlfriend has her own impeccable strengths. Nonetheless, her strengths are often overshadowed by her toxic behaviour. She hurls insults at me when she is angry. She also gaslighlights me – whenever we have differences, she denies what she said or did in an effort to make me look mentally unstable. Sometimes she also fabricates lies and smears my reputation to my family and friends. Despite her cantankerous behaviour, I find myself glued to her and unable to exit the relationship. Why am I finding it hard to leave?

Dear Anonymous

There is a plethora of reasons why emotionally abused people stay in such relationships. This article will unearth some of the reasons why the ‘abused’ stay in toxic romances. It is my ardent hope that this article will shed light to you.

Having boundless empathy – Empathy is a great tool that simplifies our interactions with others. It enables us/others to swim in the waters that drowned others/us before we/they draw a conclusion about them/us. It is through the employment of empathy that we understand others and feel understood by them. Nonetheless, empathy becomes cantankerous for our personal wellbeing if it is expended to justify abuse. The bounds of healthy empathy end where abuse begins.

When our empathy to abusers is limitless, we tend to seek to rescue them from the pit of abuse whilst we sink in the sorrows of their abuse. Contrariwise, if our empathy has boundaries, we are most likely to unearth viable solutions to escape from abuse.

Having unconditional faith in people – Unconditional faith in our loved ones can be a magical power that propels them to rise from the ashes of mediocrity to sounder heights of distinction. Notwithstanding, unconditional faith in people is cancerous to our souls if it hinders us from asserting our freedom from any form of abuse. The parameters of our interactive unconditional faith in others terminate where our absolute belief in them infringes upon our human rights, liberty and freedom.

Lack of knowledge on different types abuse and toxic personalities - Conventional wisdom dictates that a person of knowledge increases strength. When we are well versed on various kinds of abuse and toxic personalities in general, we may be more mentally and emotionally strengthened to spot signs of such at the inception of romance. If the abuser veiled their toxicity at the genesis of the relationship, it may be unfussy to depart from the relationship once we are armed with knowledge about this kind.

Believing that you are unlovable – Freedom of association is a pointer to our ‘loveliness, lovableness and relational potential’. We are inherently love – filled and lovable by virtue of being. Nonetheless, if we do not learn how to self-partner and tap into our inner love and ‘loveliness’, we subconsciously partner with others romantically or otherwise to furnish us with the very love we ought to derive from ‘self, which heightens our chances of abuse. A line of demarcation ought to be drawn between self-love and love from others. Bona fide self-love authorises us to love ourselves in the absence of love from persons; it also aids us to receive love from others from a satiated soul that is adroitly positioned to distinguish healthy love from toxic love. On the other hand the absence of self-love thrusts us to hate ourselves and receive love from a famished soul where we are desperate to embrace anything that has the exterior of love (even if it is toxic) in a bid to feed our very hunger stricken souls.

Stockholm Syndrome – This syndrome was named by criminologist Nil Bejerot in

The hostages went to an

extent of helping the captors with legal fees after the said captors

were caught

Stockholm, Sweden in 1973. The term was used to enunciate the unfathomable affection hostages of a bank raid had towards their captor. The hostages went to an extent of helping the captors with legal fees after the said captors were caught. This was despite the fact that their lives were under insurmountable threat at the time they were held hostage. From the emotional abuse viewpoint, the Stockholm Syndrome pervades victims of emotional abuse when such casualties fall deeper in love with their abuser despite the horrendous treatment occasioned to them. Such sufferers also do everything they can to shield their abusers from any law enforcement bodies or anyone that tries to rescue them from abuse. Some scholars propound that the Stockholm Syndrome is a coping mechanism for some victims especially if the abuse has been prolonged and the abuser is occasionally kind to its sufferer; this coping mechanism aids casualties to deny the reality of the situation and abate the pangs of abuse.

Gaone Monau is a practicing attorney and motivational speaker. For bookings on gender based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or Her