My brother is destroying my reputation

Dear Gaone

Please keep my identity anonymous. My brother is destroying my reputation. He is in the habit of smearing my name to our family, extended family members and community at large without any reasonable cause. He is a narcissist. Because of my brother’s smear campaign against me, my esteem in the society has been lowered. Almost everywhere I go in our community, some friends and community members pass snide remarks at me because of the malicious information he is disseminating about me. Others even relay my brother’s dishonesties against me in person or telephonically. Some endear themselves to me so as to get personal information from me and pass it on to the narcissist. I feel lethargic. I don’t want to sue my brother for defamation nonetheless. We are part of the same blood and it would be very acrimonious to go the litigation route. I want other non – litigatory strategies I can employ to deal with this. There is no point in confronting him as he is either going to unashamedly deny or gaslight me, even in the face of daunting evidence. Kindly advise.

IDear Anonymous

presume that your assertion that your brother is a narcissist is correct. There is a litany of non - litigatory strategies that you can execute to shield yourself from the lies perpetuated by your brother about you. For purposes of this article, I will elucidate on some of the said strategies.

Before I proceed, it is noteworthy to mention that narcissists usually have what is called flying monkeys or harems. Narcissists use their flying monkeys to abuse their victims by proxy or through triangulation. The term ‘flying monkeys’ was derived from the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’ where the wizard designated monkeys to perform his acts of witchcraft on his targeted victims; the monkeys were agents assigned to execute the wizard’s dirty work so that the wizard looked blameless in the eyes of the public. In light of narcissism, narcissists typically abuse by proxy whenever they find it hard to control or manipulate you directly. Their flying monkeys may range from friends, acquaintances, coworkers, family and anyone within their sphere of contact. Narcissism is no respecter of gender; narcissists may therefore be either male or female.

In some instances, the narcissist’s flying monkeys are delegated by the narcissist to get personal information from the narccisist’s casualty. Such harems commonly endear themselves to the narcissist’s target mala fide so the target lets their guard down and gives them information. The harems then convey the information obtained from the narcissist’s target to the narcissist. Afterwards the narcissist capitalises on the information derived from their flying monkey to their target’s peril.

In other instances, the narcissist defames their prey to the narcissist’s flying monkeys in order to control how the flying monkeys see their targets – this usually arises if the narcissist is bitter for failure to control their prey and consequently want naïve people and their friends to see their prey in a bad light. The narcissist loves to fabricate lies and spread malicious propaganda to their flying monkeys about their targeted casualty. Narcissists enjoy it when their flying monkeys convey untruths the narcissist propagated about their victims to the said victims. The purpose of this is to trigger the fatality and have them emotionally troubled so they lose their cool and objectivity. It is also to isolate their victims from the public and rob them of a sense of belonging.

The clouded emotions and judgement evoked from the sufferer is what the narcissist uses as evidentiary ammunition against their sufferer to the narcissist’s harem that the narcissist’s sufferer is indeed an unpalatable person who is not worth a grain of salt. When casualties of narcissism react strongly to defamatory remarks conveyed to them by the narcissist’s flying monkeys, the narccisist feels in control. Their intention is also to bully their victims into submission whenever they need their attention or want to exploit them. Some of the fatalities of narcissism end up trying to excessively please the narcissist for fear of the narcissist defaming them and turning them against their loved ones and the society at large.

At this juncture I will deliberate on the herein after non – lawsuit actions you can underake to immunise yourself from the narcissist as well as its flying monkeys;

Stick to your inner truth – You are validated, inherently worthy and approved by virtue of being a human being. As long as your sanity is still intact, stick to your inner truth. Focus on your worth and rubberstamp that has been bestowed upon you by divinity and endorsed by the constitution in the form of human rights. It feels good to be approved by our loved ones. Nonetheless, we are all inherently worthy with or without approval from others. The malicious propaganda spread by your brother may have lowered your esteem in the society but it can never lower your intrinsic esteem and the truth that you know in your heart of hearts. The truth can never be buried, even if it dies it will resurrect. The standing eternal verdict of truth can never be shaken by fabricated lies against you. With your mental faculties solid and you living out your life from the perspective that you are worthy, you will most likely be able to hew out practical solutions from the mountain of the abuse by proxy, and expose the narcissist’s falsehoods if you align your actions correctly. With your actions aligned rightly, the standing eternal verdict of truth will do its course.

Accept that your brother is a narcissist – Acceptance of your brother for being a narcissist will help you forge long term solutions. Narcissists rarely change, so you got to identify ways to adapt to your brother instead of expecting him to change.

Do not react to the narcissist’s flying monkeys – Narcissists always have flying monkeys and that will never change. Whenever narcissists are busted by their current harem, they discard it and identify a new one. Deal with flying monkeys at an arm’s length, choose not to react or retaliate to their remarks, refrain from trying to show them that your brother is a narcissist, leave if you can, or change the subject whenever harems confront you about the narcissist’s defamatory remarks.

Another way is being authentic yet vigilant when you bump on to the narcissist’s harems. Eventually, some of the flying monkeys will eventually see you for who you truly are and the narcissist for who he/she is truly. Other flying monkeys may never see the narcissist’s true colours or forever side with the narcissist especially if they worship the narcissist, love drama, have no strong sense of inner worth and identity, numb their inner pain by dumping it on innocent people or have narcissistic flames that are being fanned by interactions with a fellow narcissist.

Identify your own tribe – Though your brother has tarnished your image in most quarters of your community, it is statistically impossible for everyone to side with him. Create your own network of friends and confidantes even if it is outside your commune; people who see you for the worthy person that you are and whom you can replicate their love; people that you can confide in freely with the assurance that they remain loyal and blatantly honest with you even when you err. Despite that you are inherently approved, you can still suffer from stress arising from feeling isolated from the community and lack of a sense of belonging. Hence, the need for good relationships that foster your sense of community and belonging.

Employ self-care – Cultivate a sacred intentionality to consciously do hobbies that you enjoy on your own in the absence of relationships. Your self-care routines can help to replenish the preciousness of your being and worthiness independent of relationships. Moreover, when you self -care and self – love, you are better poised to love and be loved from a standpoint of inner abundance and not inner famine. Without true self care and selflove relationships may most likely be clutches that we hold on to eternally so as to augment our worth; this on its own is problematic as it increases chances of staying in relationships that have run their course; it also leads to weak boundaries or absenteeism thereof even in healthy relationships.

Educate you self on narcissism – Find narcissist survivor groups online that can help you shoulder the load of abuse by proxy. Acquire more knowledge on the subject of narcissists and flying monkeys. With the right know - how at your disposal, you will be empowered to level the narcissist’s fabricated falsehoods against you and have your esteem in the society restored.

*Gaone Monau is an attorney and motivational speaker. For bookings on gender-based violence awareness seminars, corporate training on specific areas of the law; relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732. Her email address is laboutit22@gmail.com. Her Facebook

page is Be Motivated with Gaone.