PICK YOUR POISON
“Hi, my name is Katli and I’m an alcoholic.” Words that I never thought could ever come from my mouth, but here we are. I’m a recovering alcoholic and here is my story.
Although I started drinking at an early age in High School, I was never a “party animal” or the life of the party. I mostly went out just to hang out with my friends and have 2 or 3 drinks, getting drunk was never my goal. However, my drinking continued throughout my years in varsity and well into my working years. I can vaguely remember the first time I actually got drunk, it was my second year in university and I was frustrated after failing an exam, Law school was beginning to take its toll on me. I knew I would have to retake the class and my friends decided to take me out in order to try cheer me up, we took shot after shot after shot. They had never actually seen me drunk either, so they were excited to see that side of me. I knew I was safe and could let loose, so I did. I had the time of my life and didn’t have a care in the world, I felt so free. I don’t remember how late we stayed out or how I got home, I just remember waking up the following morning with a horrible hangover, to which they told me to fix by continuing to drink. That’s when I would say I started using alcohol to cope with stressful situations.
At that time, I would say I had the drinking under control, I had the energy and the metabolism to be partying almost every night but also to attend classes and complete my assignments on time. Honestly, I felt like Superwoman, there was nothing I couldn’t do and at that point I was drinking to get drunk and have a good time. I honestly don’t know how I managed to graduate, after my second year everything feels like a dream you can’t quite remember after waking up. I got a great job at a law firm in Gaborone, I had never earned that much money in my life. I had great co-workers who loved to drink as much as I did. We always found a reason to celebrate and they taught me that I had to improve my taste in alcohol to suit my job and salary. Our weekends started on Thursday afternoons and I quickly got the title of being the life of the party. I could out drink any one of my friends, if there was an event, I was there. I wasn’t just drinking to cope with stress anymore, I was looking for any reason to drink.
At this stage I was drinking every day, even if I didn’t go out with friends, I’d go home and drink by myself. I looked forward to having a drink at the end of every day and on Monday morning’s I would put a double shot or more in my coffee, just to be able to get through the day. The only things that mattered to me were drinking and working, because working awarded me my salary, which paid for my drinks. My romantic relationships never went far, my exes would say I either worked or partied too hard, sometimes both. I, of course, simply blamed them; for not being able to handle a strong, independent, hardworking woman, for trying to control me, for not being supportive enough, for being jealous or for wanting too much of me. You name the excuse, I used it and it was never my fault, I was never in the wrong.
My partner left me and I lost so many friends, but I still hadn’t hit rock bottom. I had my drinking buddies, I had my job, I had my excuses and I had my open throat. I had to have my “special” coffee on a daily basis, throughout the day. I managed to pawn off majority of my work to interns and coworkers, thinking no one would notice. My spiral happened quickly after that, it would seem, I never saw it but those around me did. The more they tried to talk to me, the harder I pushed back, trying to show them that I had it under control. That’s when the blackouts started, more times than I can count.
The last time I blacked out, I woke up alone and undressed, in the back of my car. I couldn’t recall what had happened but I could feel it and I instantly knew. I was shattered. It took days before I could tell anyone, even my own sister. I felt so ashamed. She was my rock, she didn’t judge me and she got me the help I needed. My sister took me to BOSASNET and through their program I was able to save my job. I was lucky enough to have a great support system between my coworkers and my family. With the help of all of them, my Alcoholics Anonymous group and my counsellor at BOSASNET, I’m happy to say, I have been sober for 3 months and my journey still continues.
If you think that you might have a substance abuse problem, or if you have a friend or family member who does, we encourage you to seek help. For some, it can mean the difference between life and death. You can find BOSASNET on Facebook, visit us on www.bosasnet.com, or call us on 3959119 or 72659891 for more information.