WHY I STAYED I AN ABUS RELATION FOR SIX Y
WHY do women struggle to walk out of abusive relationships? This is the question asked by many yet not a simple one to answer.
However, this week, Voice Woman sits down with 40-year-old bespectacled ambivert, Patience ‘Paty’ Phefo*, a recovering victim of gender-based violence, to gain insight into this complex matter.
Paty* and her ex met at their favourite hangout six years ago. Though initially she felt nothing for the man, she surprised herself as she developed feelings for him over time. Of course she thought him a looker, “In a mysterious way,” she reflects.
They slowly grew on each other and, while she can’t say whether the intense attraction was mutual in the beginning, when they finally stepped out together, she concluded it was just a fling. “But he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was already infatuated with him and couldn’t believe such a good catch, sharp and chivalrous, asked me out!”
Just prior to dating, one of Paty’s friends had divulged that he was known to be an assaultive guy. “Being the person that I am, I didn’t think I could do anything to anyone to make them hurt me, so I dove into the relationship without reservation. Seven months down the line, I moved in with him. I’d never had any man give me the attention he gave me. We spent almost every day together; he didn’t bore me, it was beautiful.”
Be that as it may, early on, she’d seen red flags. Paty says her rather irascible ‘Mr Right’ would react grossly out of proportion to certain situations. She didn’t give much thought to it but a year into the relationship; he began insinuating that she was cheating on him whenever he returned home from partying.
“He would taunt me non-stop, telling me I was nothing, that there were better women out there and that I was only fortunate to have a solid family background. Such outbursts would remind me of who I was, then I’d cry. Then he wanted me home all the time; it got uncomfortable because I’m an outgoing person. It was beginning to dawn on me that I was in a toxic relationship, the signs of which I’d always heard of or read about. Occasionally, I would record him and make him listen to how disparagingly he spoke to me when he was drunk.”
That didn’t tranquillise him because the physical abuse followed! “One day, he manhandled me so brutally that I had to get stitches on my leg. As if that wasn’t enough, on our way to the doctor, instead of showing remorse, he pulled my hair and said it was my fault. From then on, he would shout at me for small things, for hours. As far as he was concerned, I was always in the wrong. I started walking on eggshells around him, worried sick I’d do something wrong to trigger him. He would apologise and it’d look and sound genuine. I would forgive him and we would get back to our lovey-dovey selves.”
Paty recalls that when her lover couldn’t reach her on her cellphone, he’d rock up at her workplace. The abusive cycle would repeat itself. “It was like I had two bosses - at work and at home. He’d interrogate me about my work. When my work trips got
For over six years, I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse, I shielded him
postponed, he’d accuse me of deceiving him. If he couldn’t get me on the phone while I was on a trip, he’d turn up wherever I had travelled, no matter how far! He absolutely didn’t trust me, despite the amount of time we spent together. It was perplexing. I felt bad for his insecurities and paranoia, and laboured to help him see me in a different light. It was not easy as that was, evidently, a reflection of his painful past. He’d often ridiculed me; in public spaces, around his friends, my family and colleagues. Over the six years, he mishandled me at home, once beating me in the car when in the company of friends, who tried to stop him but were overpowered because he was strong. On two occasions, he choked me and, the latter time, I fainted. To be honest, I felt bad for him all the while because I felt he had psychological issues and I was willing to get him professional help for his psychosis.
In retrospect, Paty was ever hopeful that things would change for the better so she kept everything to herself.
“We had beautiful dreams because our professions were compatible. We wanted to be a power couple but couldn’t be due to the negativity that consumed our relationship. For over six years, I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse, I shielded him. Towards the end, it worsened. I was hearing a lot of stories of GBV and I just thought to myself, if I don’t get out now, I’m going to end up in a coffin; I was starting to really see the possibility of it. I felt like a prisoner; I wanted to do so many things but he was so controlling that my plans took a back seat.”
Describing her ex as a funny, romantic and loving man who, unlike most, had no issues with PDA (public display of affection), she is quick to admit that she still loves him but can’t go back. “If the abuse didn’t stop in six years, will it ever? Women are crying everywhere that men are evil and hurting us, but I think as women we first need to stop and introspect. When a baby boy arrives on this earth, it spends a lot of time with its mothers. It’s up to us mothers to mould our children. Also, remember, too much of a good thing is not good; they grow up with a sense of entitlement. Are we raising loving men or monsters? Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who spares his rod hates his son”. Sometimes our men are like this because of childhood neglect/abandonment, family dynamics or bullying. Relevant NGO’S needed to help save our communities, our nation. I’m thankful I managed to escape the toxicity, and I pray for God to heal me and him.”
Paty’s advise to women, “If you hear that your boyfriend has an abusive nature, it doesn’t matter how much you love him, make a U-turn! Reports of GBV continue to make front-page news. Learn from my story, I was delusional to think my patience would pay, alas! You can’t change a person! One day my mom told me the family was so distressed that I didn’t look happy and that I must remember that I’m not God and can’t change things that can’t be changed. That hit hard, but I was still defensive.”