MY LIFE IN A BOTTLE
My journey with alcohol began at varsity. I have had trouble fitting in my entire life, so when my cool, new varsity roommate took me under her wing, I was very excited.
She was a social butterfly; she knew everyone, got invited everywhere and was always happy to bring me along. I still have vivid memories of the first time I drank and overdid it, of course. I remember the taste going down, and sadly coming back up hours later. What has stayed with me the most is the great feeling of belonging, something I had never felt before; I was finally fitting in. Within a year, it had spiralled into nearly daily drinking or smoking marijuana, which was easier to come by.
Despite my increasingly frequent substance use, I excelled as a student. I prided myself on never missing a day of school. I attended all my classes and did my assignments and passed. I was blessed with an extremely good memory, and I didn’t need to study very hard for tests to ace them. At the time, I believed this was my superpower. Looking back now, I realise it just instilled a false sense of confidence in myself and eventually made matters worse. I’m so grateful that there were no smart phones back then to record my black-outs and drunken escapades. This allowed me to keep my two lives separate for years.
I ended up graduating top of my class and got a great job at a major law firm. I remember getting my first pay cheque, after paying all my bills, I threw a celebratory party and, to my surprise, I still had money in my account on Monday. I was truly living my best double life. To my co-workers and my family, I had trained myself to barely touch alcohol by drinking things I didn’t like, my friends on the other hand knew the real me, but overtime my family started to see her, too. My family expressed their concerns, but I brushed them off and convinced them it wasn’t a big deal because I was functioning just fine on a day-to-day basis. No one in my professional life knew about my drinking and I hadn’t had any traumatic experiences to convince me that I had a problem so, to me, it wasn’t an issue. I swore to myself that I would never drink and go to work. I knew that if I did, THAT would mean I had a problem. But drinking every day after work was fair game.
Eventually I met my husband, who also drank but didn’t like going out as much as I did. Between him and my workload increasing, my drinking went from going out daily to drinking at home during the week. Even that had a justification; I was still blacking out, but I was drinking at home. 2 bottles of wine at home seemed better than going out, and I was saving money! Again, professionally, I excelled, but socially, I felt completely isolated. When I had our first child, my husband quit drinking in solidarity, to this day he doesn’t know that I didn’t actually stop drinking, I just majorly reduced but snuck in glasses here and there.
We had our second and third children shortly after that, and I found myself with no time for myself. Between my work, being a wife and being a mother, there was so much on my plate and again, I was left feeling extremely isolated. There’s something about drinking in isolation that can bring an overwhelming feeling of shame. I realised I may have a problem when I started going to extreme lengths to hide my drinking from my husband, but I would still make excuses for myself. I would hide alcohol around the house, started carrying mouth wash with me all the time and even turned our spare bedroom into an office, pretending to bring work home, but would hide in there and drink. I was hiding from my own family.
I would never use the same liquor store twice in the same week to avoid potential criticism by the sales worker of the quantity I was consuming. I still didn’t want to believe I had a problem with alcohol since I had never missed a day of work and continued to excel in my professional life. I was unhappy and disinterested in my family; without a drink, they annoyed me. I was unable to participate in any kind of family activity, especially if it interfered with my drinking. I couldn’t wait for the workday to end so I could get to my car and have a good dose of alcohol from the bottle under the seat.
Eventually, I broke my promise to myself and began going to work intoxicated. I was sliding down a very slippery slope without a solution. I could not go for more than a couple of hours without feeling withdrawal symptoms including hot flashes, sweats, palpitations, and the shakes. I would awaken during the night in withdrawal needing to take some alcohol to be able to get back to sleep. I began to need to drink just to feel normal. I was unable to ask for help. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. Alcohol had, over many years subtly become my higher power, fully taking over my life. Every morning, I would awaken with fear of going to work. My tremors would be so bad that at times I could barely sign my name; I was delegating work and looking for every reason to avoid being at work. Luckily, for me, Covid-19 hit and soon after my rock bottom hit.
The lies, the pressure, the anger, the shame, it was all too much for me. I knew I couldn’t keep lying to my husband for much longer now that we were trapped in the house together. I could feel myself slipping into a depression and that was terrifying. It was in those moments I realised how much I actually loved my family and how much I had been missing out on. I knew if I kept going down this road it would end in an early funeral for me, and I knew that that’s not what I wanted. I ended up breaking down and confessing everything to my husband. Of course, he was angry and disappointed and a million other things, but he still supported me and reassured me of his love for me.
As I sit here, sharing my story, I have been enrolled into the BOSASNET outpatient programme and I am also attending regular AA meetings. I am 6 months sober, and I am now a very grateful recovering alcoholic. I am grateful to have a programme I can use to help me grow through life’s challenges. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help someone else who may be struggling with alcohol. So, if there is anyone out there who’s drinking and feeling helpless, I want them to know they’re not. A “normal” life without alcohol is achievable.
BOSASNET offers counselling services to people experiencing problems with substance use, depression, anxiety, stress, anger management and adjustment issues. If you think that you might have a problem