Con­sid­er­ing life’s im­pon­der­ables

Asian Journal - - Nation -

Writ­ing a col­umn on a beau­ti­ful sum­mer-like af­ter­noon in May is sort of like hav­ing to fin­ish your homework when all the other kids are out­side play­ing so I let my thoughts out to play in­stead and con­sid­ered some of the most puz­zling things ever to trou­ble a deep thinker such as Descartes, Ni­et­zsche or Bart Simp­son. First you have to have a few guiding be­liefs such as those I found ex­pressed by none other than Sa­muel Cle­mens (oth­er­wise known as Mark Twain); To suc­ceed in life, he pos­tu­lated, you need two things: ig­no­rance and con­fi­dence! And it was with this truth that I fully ac­cepted the next bit of wis­dom from the Mis­sis­sippi Mas­ter: A man who car­ries a cat by the tail learns some­thing he can learn in no other way. He also ad­vised that when we’re out about the world, al­ways do the right thing. It will grat­ify some peo­ple and as­ton­ish the rest. How­ever, un­able to ac­cept that a per­son with a clear con­science is sim­ply some­one with a bad mem­ory, I sought the wis­dom from an­other great sage, Ge­orge Car­lin who asked the pro­found ques­tion: If “I am” is the short­est sen­tence in the English lan­guage, could it be that “I do” is the long­est sen­tence? (bada-boom!) Car­lin also asked: when some­one is impatient and says ‘I haven’t got all day” I al­ways won­der, how can that be? How can you not have all day? Some would say you have eter­nity, but not the athe­ists, they don’t be­lieve in God. That’s okay God prob­a­bly doesn’t be­lieve in athe­ists ei­ther, af­ter all, Athe­ism is a non-prophet or­ga­ni­za­tion! (rim shot and cym­bal crash). And here is yet an­other uni­ver­sal view which comes from the sci­en­tists who say the uni­verse is made up of pro­tons, neu­trons, elec­trons and morons.

So con­sider this: - How come you never see a head­line like: “Psy­chic wins lot­tery?” - If you spend a lot of time do­ing noth­ing, how do you know when you’re

done? - How do they get Te­flon to stick to pans? - Does the per­son who claims to have been ‘born again’ have two belly

but­tons? - Why do hot dog wieners come in packs of 8 while hot dog buns come in

bags of 12? - If the po­lice ar­rest a mime do they tell him he has the right to re­main si­lent? - Is there an­other word for syn­onym and - How can they pre-board a plane? Don’t they have to board it in or­der to pre-board it?

Well, now that I’ve chal­lenged you to think about many of life’s mys­ter­ies, I hope you can find some time to en­joy a warm spring af­ter­noon with a smile. Here’s some good ad­vice from Amer­i­can Hu­mourist Will Rogers: Af­ter eat­ing an en­tire bull, a moun­tain lion felt so good he started roar­ing. He kept it up un­til a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. See you next week.


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