Does size mat­ter?

Ways to get big­ger down there — or feel com­fort­able with what you have

Calgary Herald - - Real Life - TOM KEENAN

It’s hard to im­age two me­dia per­son­al­i­ties with more dif­fer­ent de­mo­graph­ics than Howard Stern and Oprah Win­frey. Yet both have spo­ken out on, of all things, pe­nis size, par­tic­u­larly the low end of the range.

Win­frey’s favourite TV doc, Dr. Mehmet Oz, re­cently linked weight loss to ap­par­ent growth of the male mem­ber. “If you lose 35 pounds, if you’re a male, you are gain­ing one inch of pe­nis length,” he trum­peted.

An ex­pla­na­tion posted on oprah.com claims that when a man is car­ry­ing a lot of ex­tra weight, “a fat bun­dle builds up and starts to sur­round the shaft.” As a guy drops the ex­cess weight, Dr. Oz ex­plains, the fat starts to re­cede.

Stern is prob­a­bly the only me­dia per­son­al­ity who makes a habit of talk­ing about his sup­pos­edly tiny pe­nis. He claims that he’s “hung like a raisin,” and staged the bizarre Small­est Pe­nis Con­test on his TV show. Yes, al­most all of the fi­nal­ists were pretty chubby, al­though that was the least of their anatom­i­cal woes. While not ex­actly up­lift­ing television, the episode is one of the high­est rated videos on prankboards.com.

On a slightly more se­ri­ous note, Stern hosted the au­thor of Is Size Im­por­tant? This book, pub­lished in 2002, fo­cuses on that burn­ing ques­tion and comes com­plete with re­veal­ing charts and ta­bles. It also fea­tures tech­niques for deal­ing with what the au­thor calls “im­per­fect com­pat­i­bil­ity” in the bed­room. This short (136-page) pa­per­back is still avail­able on Ama­zon and prob­a­bly in used book­stores ev­ery­where.

Stern calls the book’s au­thor, Cal­i­for­nia psy­chol­o­gist Don­ald Tem­pler, “Dr. Pe­nis.” He told Stern “an av­er­age white male’s pe­nis is five and a half inches long and one and three eighths of an inch in di­am­e­ter.” Tem­pler added that “most women say they pre­fer an av­er­age- to large-sized pe­nis, with some pre­fer­ring very large penises and, sur­pris­ingly, 20 per cent of women say­ing they pre­fer a small-sized pe­nis.”

Dr. Pe­nis also claims gay men have a pref­er­ence for the larger size and that “girth is more im­por­tant to women than length.”

Dr. Pe­nis states cat­e­gor­i­cally that “no pe­nis en­large­ment pills or equip­ment work.” Not the Austin Pow­ers pumps, not the weights (ouch) and cer­tainly not those magic pills and creams you get of­fered on the In­ter­net.

Dr. P is also down on pe­nis en­large­ment surgery, say­ing he does not rec­om­mend it. Ex­perts at the Mayo Clinic go even fur­ther in damn­ing cos­metic surgery on the pe­nis, stat­ing that “many of th­ese tech­niques can dam­age your pe­nis and even cause im­po­tence, (so) think twice be­fore try­ing any of them.”

How­ever, if you must know, the plas­tic surgery pro­ce­dures most com­monly used for pe­nile en­large­ment are “sev­er­ing the sus­pen­sory lig­a­ment that at­taches the pe­nis to the pu­bic bone and mov­ing skin from the ab­domen to the pe­nile shaft.” The Mayo Clinic’s ex­cel­lent Men’s Health web­site goes on to ex­plain that the pro­ce­dure “can cause an erect pe­nis to be un­sta­ble and po­si­tion it­self at odd an­gles, par­tic­u­larly when erect.” Pe­nile wob­ble. Imag­ine that.

Other ex­per­i­men­tal pro­ce­dures in­volve in­ject­ing fat from some­where else into the pe­nis, and tis­sue grafts, some taken from ca­dav­ers. That’s a creepy thought. A top med­i­cal author­ity on this, the Amer­i­can Uro­log­i­cal As­so­ci­a­tion, says such pro­ce­dures have “not been shown to be safe or ef­fec­tive.”

As for ex­er­cises — well, suit your­self, but you might as well know there are some pretty big anatom­i­cal dif­fer­ences be­tween your pe­nis and your bi­ceps, so don’t ex­pect to get big that way.

Ah, but there is one piece of cos­metic gen­i­tal al­ter­ation you can do your­self, in the pri­vacy of your own home, at zero cost. Give your­self a lit­tle trim down un­der.

“Pu­bic hair around the base of your pe­nis can make your pe­nis look shorter,” write the in­ge­nious folks at the Mayo Clinic.

“Trim­ming may not only make your pe­nis look big­ger but may also in­crease sen­si­tiv­ity around the base of your pe­nis.”

It should be men­tioned that pe­nis pumps, prop­erly called vac­uum erec­tion de­vices, to­gether with rub­ber bands, do have a place in help­ing some men cope with erec­tile dys­func­tion. But if you fall into this cat­e­gory, you should re­ally be see­ing a urol­o­gist, not ex­per­i­ment­ing with that del­i­cate piece of your anatomy.

It’s been said the brain is the most im­por­tant sex or­gan and that’s cer­tainly true when it comes to a man’s per­cep­tion of his pe­nis size. In a re­cent ar­ti­cle in the Bri­tish Jour­nal of Urol­ogy, K.R. Wylie and I. Eard­ley pro­pose a new di­ag­no­sis called “small pe­nis syn­drome.” It would ap­ply to men who have ex­ces­sive anx­i­ety about their or­gan, even though they are pretty much nor­mal. The au­thors pro­vide some help­ful sug­ges­tions, like “mir­ror work.” This in­volves stand­ing naked in front of a full length mir­ror to “see your­self as oth­ers see you,” as op­posed to the fore­short­ened view from above. They con­clude that “it is im­por­tant to avoid dis­miss­ing the con­cerns raised by the man; to do so might fur­ther hu­mil­i­ate him and heighten his anx­i­ety and con­cerns.”

Talk­ing frankly with your part­ner and/or a pro­fes­sional coun­selor is also highly rec­om­mended.

A urol­o­gist, speak­ing about the un­re­lated prob­lem of uri­nary in­con­ti­nence, once told me that if you put all the men with that prob­lem end to end, they’d stretch across North Amer­ica.

The same can be said of guys who think they’re in­ad­e­quate, even though they’re do­ing just fine. So, put all the pe­nis en­large­ment scams into the trash folder and fo­cus on some­thing re­ally im­por­tant like world peace.

Or just click on the TV and catch up with those talk-show hosts who can’t get enough of men who fear they have too lit­tle.

Her­ald Ar­chive, Los An­ge­les Times

Howard Stern has made a habit of talk­ing about his mem­ber.

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