Tips for kids and parents

Almost instinctively, when a child is the victim of a jerk or a bully, parents try to comfort him or her by telling them not to worry, that they are not at fault, that the offender is one of life’s jerks.

But research is showing that in trying to soothe a child with those assurances, they’re doing a disservice.

“The irony of this is it conveys to the kid the idea that things can’t change. The kind of person they are is stable and lasts forever,” says David Yeager, an assistant professor in the department of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

“There are lots of different studies that find this mindset makes it harder for kids to let go of things. Kids are more repressed; they retaliate with more aggression when they have this fixed view of people.”

Yeager says that in his studies, he gives kids a nudge into thinking that people can change. The result is less stress, aggression and hostility — and better grades.

“If teens just know there’s a potential for change, it shakes them out of this notion that jerks will always be jerks, and it helps them adjust when they have all these adversities they have to face in life,” he says.

He suggested that when parents talk to children about a rude person, they focus on the behaviour, rather than the guilty party: Say, “That’s a bad behaviour,” rather than, “That is a bad person.”

Around Grade 6, he says, kids start getting obsessed with labels and the traits that go with them. That gets heightened when they move on to high school.

“Right at these transitions, when social stakes are raised, is when we find the biggest impact in the change of mindset.”

For more on Yeager’s work, go to: homepage.psy.utexas.edu (type “David Yeager” in the search field).