Chasing perfection is too much stress

Q: My husband and I are both young lawyers with twins, age three. There’s heavy pressure in our lives — working to get ahead in our firms, keeping a nice home like others in our social circle, getting the kids to enrichment programs, keeping a nanny happy, etc.

There’s also family pressure to attend special occasions, holidays. We’re both stressed and pulling apart. We fear we’ll end up separating.

— Stress to the Max

A: Run, don’t walk, to a marital therapist together. Lay out every pressure you’ve named here (plus the ones you’re embarrassed to admit) and, with the professional’s guidance, examine which ones must be priorities.

Then probe why the others — the non-priorities — still have both of you seeking perfection in every area of your lives.

Q: My husband’s hurt me so much I don’t know if I can ever forgive. He’s in contact with three of his exgirlfriends with whom he formerly had sex. He’s constantly texting a co-worker with whom he also has coffee every day. He flirts with waitresses, flight attendants and even my cousin. He says he loves me and would never cheat, but I can’t trust that.

— Hurt and Demeaned

A: Heal yourself, instead of focusing on changing him. Realize how immature he is, with his constant need for female attention. Understand that he’s acting the part of childish jerk more than the player.

Leave — go to your mom’s, take a vacation, show him you can live without him. If he wants you back, insist that he commit to therapy.