Don’t turn having children into a power struggle
Q: My husband and I are late-20s, married for a few years. We both have good, satisfying jobs in our fields, and we’re financially secure at this point.
I’m very ready to start a family but he’s not. He’s unsure when he’ll be ready. I know he’ll be a great father but he’s afraid of the resulting changes in our finances, lifestyle, and relationship.
We have been discussing this for years, but he’s not coming around. This situation is really starting to upset me, and is putting a growing strain on our otherwise happy marriage.
— Next Step?
A: Don’t let this become a major power struggle, rather than an issue you have to resolve mutually. He has as much right to not want to be pushed into fatherhood as you have to want a partner who’s willing and eager.
It’s a debate warranting counselling. Therapy will help each of you understand each other’s attitudes, how you developed them, and ways that you can approach your differences.
You might even agree to leave the discussion for one year, to see if he feels more secure about finances and lifestyle then.
Otherwise, you may have to face the possibility that he might never change his mind. Fighting this out on your own now, however, is only going to maintain a divide where neither of you can be satisfied.
Q: My children’s father has gained court-ordered joint custody and access. The children last spent an overnight with him in 2010.
He has sold drugs, even previously had his house raided by police. He has never played a role in the children’s lives. Regardless, now the court has ordered access for every other weekend and summers.
My son, four, has come home bruised. Children’s Services were called, but the children still had to go there. My children have come home with their clothing smelling like marijuana. The police were called when their father pushed my mother and yelled obscenities. The children still had to visit him.
They’re now gone for 10 days and their father has cut my communication with them Still, they must stay there.
I want to protect my children simply because i love them, and I can’t. The court says they’re working in the best interests of the children. I disagree.
It seems my children have to suffer or have a tragedy in order to be protected.
— Your Thoughts?
A: Keep a dated record of incidents that are worrisome or that upset the children. If you can’t afford a lawyer experienced in child welfare cases, get to a legal aid clinic and ask them to look at this record with you and advise you.
The courts may feel that it’s “in the child’s best interest” to have a relationship with their father, and, unless there’s evidence of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, many children’s specialists would agree.
Unfortunately, you’re the one, then, who must monitor and find evidence of what you believe is truly harmful to the children.
But legal help can boost your case.