Fixing family a complex task
Q: I’ve been married for nine years. We have two sons, aged five and two. We’ve had a difficult relationship, with financial, physical and emotional abuse. He currently sleeps on the couch. I care about him, but I don’t love him like I used to. He’s medically unable to work due to a back injury. He’s supposed to get income support, but they’re refusing to pay him, despite his doctor’s notes. I’m the sole provider, and I don’t make a lot of money. I often feel resentful because he’s unable to help financially, even a little bit. He’s a smoker, and I refuse to buy cigarettes. I know it’s wrong, and I feel guilty to want someone out of the house for having an illness. I don’t want to separate, as I fear the effect on my kids. But not having him around would be so much easier financially and emotionally. I don’t trust him. We don’t ever go out together, or as a family. Mostly, I’m holding on to this relationship for the kids and so he doesn’t end up homeless. I’m torn about what to do.
— Confused
A: Don’t muddle the issues together; focus on one at a time. Regarding income: Recognize that as sole provider you’ll still be required to support him financially even if legally separated. I strongly urge you to fight for his disability income, find out why it’s been delayed or refused, and seek an advocate through a disabilities and/or workers’ organization. Regarding emotions: You neither love him as before nor trust him. You fear the impact of separation on your kids, but you must also consider the impact of growing up in a loveless home. Never going out as a family is something you can change. Clear the fog and think through what you really want and can handle for you and the kids. Wherever you have support — family, friends — draw on it to help lift your spirits and energy to make good decisions for the future.
Q: My daughter’s married with two young children and lives on a street with lots of same-age kids who often play together. There’s a mother on the street, with three boys, who’s considered the queen bee of the street. She thrives on people rallying around her and they put her on a pedestal — something my daughter does not do. My daughter’s a stay-at-home mom. This woman organizes weekly get-togethers on the driveway and texts most of the other neighbours to join in, except for my daughter. If it weren’t for the kids, it wouldn’t bother her. How can she handle this situation so that her children can be included? I’ve suggested she text her and ask why she’s mean to my daughter’s kids. But my daughter doesn’t want to give her that importance. Why are women so mean to each other and take out whatever issues they have with adults on the children?
—Need Direction A: Sorry, Mom, but that’s not a good suggestion — you’d set up further conflict by directly calling this woman mean. Far better for your daughter to disarm the woman and approach her pleasantly, saying how great it is that the kids get along and like each other. She should also invite the woman’s children over to her place, though not at a conflicting time.
This woman may even feel as put-off and disliked as your daughter does, since nothing’s been said overtly. Learning early to rise above such pettiness is something your daughter will benefit from for years. And in many other situations.