Hubby just friends, or having an affair? ELLIE
Q: I was married to a cheater for 17 years. I caught him redhanded with the news anchor (he was the weatherman). She’d power-walked with me every morning. I was a stay-at-home mom of two kids under six. I booted him out and we were separated for six months. He never expressed interest in getting back together until he learned I’d been on a date. We went into counselling — he revealed that he’d never been faithful — for my kids’ sakes. He managed to not cheat for eight years but then was at it again with a married woman with whom he’d co-starred in a play. Once a Lothario, always a Lothario. I still regret ever taking him back. I often wonder how far ahead I’d be in my life if I hadn’t.
— Single 13 Years
A: He liked the spotlight, both professionally and in more than one woman’s eyes. However, you didn’t know this ahead and tried to make it work. That was then. Now, forget wasting your energy on looking backward. There’s no telling how things would’ve have turned out. Today you’re wiser, and if you can put a positive face forward, you still have opportunities for self-growth, broadening your experiences, future friendships and even relationships.
Q: My husband is friends with a woman at work. He sees her almost every day and must interact with her. He talks about her all the time, how much she loves her kids, and she seems to like her husband, whom my husband has met. He finds women with whom he’s comfortable and forms these emotional friendships. When I was working, I was careful to not form relationships with male coworkers because I thought it was a betrayal of my husband. His previous attachment was a woman 15 years older than him. He always comes home after work. He’s never been very affectionate but he’s getting better. I feel betrayed that he has personal discussions with this woman. I’m continu- ously having dreams about him ignoring my feelings, usually with a woman involved. I don’t think he’s physically intimate with these women. I do have a jealous nature and have been treated horribly by my first philandering husband. Is my husband being disrespectful? He even told her about our house, which we’ll be selling, because she wants a property like ours. We’re building down the road and would be neighbours, though these are rural properties far apart. These betrayal dreams are making me feel bad and I do not trust him.
—Hurt and Fed Up
A: Your husband’s main flaw here is his not getting how these attachments make you feel. He’s not having an emotional affair, since he doesn’t avoid coming home, doesn’t keep his friendships secret, tries to be more affectionate, etc. Having a close friendship in the workplace isn’t betrayal if it’s understood where to draw the line. He chooses alliances with women who don’t seem to pose a threat ... one is much older, the other committed to family, and he tells you. Meanwhile, you’re comparing him to your ex, who was an overt cheater. That’s unfair, and it escalates your jealousy and fears, without cause. Tell your husband — without accusations — of your bad dreams and ask him to go to counselling with you. You need help getting over your past and he needs to understand this. Also, having her as a neighbour would bring work home, which is unwise.
Q: My friend of five years is loyal to me. We both divorced, but I’ve moved on. We used to chat daily after work, but her stories have become tiresome — she talks about her “jerk” ex, and escapades with random men. I’ve never been like that. Now she’s travelled with a married man, with whom she previously had an affair. I didn’t support this decision, nor do I agree with her promiscuity when she has two teenage boys. I’d like to cut ties with her (and with her reputation), but I don’t have too many loyal friends.
— Too Judgmental?
A: Your loyalty can’t last without respect. Tell her you feel she’s lost, risking her sons’ security and values, along with her reputation and theirs. Urge her to get counselling. Stay friendly (not tight) if she does. Otherwise, end contact.