Friend secretly spreads lies
Q: I know this guy who had a crush on my friend last year. They used to text each other at least once a week. She didn’t like him the same way and told him that they should just be friends. This year he told her he wants to go out with me. She joked about it at first, saying, “Yeah, go for it.”
But when she noticed that I’m interested, she started to get a little jealous. They now text each other all the time, every day, and call each other. My best friend told me that when she was going through this girl’s phone, she saw that she’d been saying rude things about me to him so that he’d stop liking me. I have no clue what he really thinks about me.
I’m scared he might believe those things she says are true.
What do I do?
— Upset About It
A: Get off the gossip grid. Your best friend shouldn’t be going through someone else’s phone and telling you these stories, and you need to tell her to stop. You don’t know for sure if she is telling the truth or possibly jealous of your socalled friendship with the other girl. These circles of misinformation and exaggerations are unfortunately common among people — often teenagers and young adults — who are insecure about friendships and emotional relationships. The way to get the information you really want, which is whether this guy still wants to ask you out, is to ignore everyone else and get to know him better yourself. Find a chance to talk to him, and if that goes well, suggest you hang out sometime. You’ll soon know whether he’s a good guy who’ll take you as you are, has been influenced by others, or is just involved still with this other girl.
Q: A family member appears to be delusional and paranoid. He attends family events and appears OK, but later states that we were laughing at him, talking about him and consumed with the details of his life. He has memories of past hurts that no one else remembers, and hangs on to grudges, which no one understands. He has few friends, is divorced, and despite enormous support (financial and otherwise) from his family, seems to resent us and bullies our elderly parents constantly. We think he may be mentally ill, but he’s so distrustful that we don’t think he’d see a doctor. Can you suggest any strategies that might encourage him to seek help? Should we confront him with our suspicions that he’s ill even though he’s likely to lash out more?
— Disturbed Relative
A: If you do nothing, some incident will undoubtedly lead to a terrible, chaotic revelation of his apparent mental illness. But yes, if you do take some action, it may precipitate a reaction that’s dramatic and upsetting to all.
However, this is the better choice, as it’ll get him help sooner. He’s a family member and deserves your making the effort. The person closest to him should suggest that he see his doctor for a medical check, in case something physical is affecting his moods. Do not argue about his memories, just raise the possibility of health problems, something most people get worried about enough to seek a doctor’s opinion. Someone then needs to alert the doctor to these changes your family has seen, even send documentation of outbursts that show changes in his behaviour over time.
Q: In our 20s, a cousin and I were good friends and saw each other often. However, when I started an artistic career I didn’t appreciate her outspoken opinions. She eventually married a man who insulted my husband’s career whenever we all got together. My husband and I decided we didn’t deserve to be grilled, mocked and criticized, and we let the connection dwindle to a Christmas card. We occasionally see their woman friend who, recently, has again urged me to renew the friendship, which I don’t want. Avoidance has worked. Should I tell my cousin’s friend to mind her own business?
— Critical Cousin
A: No need to be rude; you’re good at avoidance, so just keep it up. That may have to extend to this gobetween woman as well. However, if she’s someone you otherwise enjoy, just smile and say you and your husband prefer the way things are now. Then, switch topics.