Back out of risky power struggle
Q: After 20 years of marriage, my wife and I can no longer communicate. I feel she doesn’t listen. She says I’m unreasonable. Conversations become arguments. She complains that I don’t do enough with our three kids. She works one day a week. My business requires long hours. When I get home, I need downtime. But this is when we fight, many times about finances.
Although I earn decent money, I feel burdened by her needless expenditures. Our sex life’s mediocre. I’m willing to go to a marriage counsellor; she says she doesn’t need one. Are we on a slippery slope to divorce?
— Frustrated Husband
A: Yes, this divorce slope’s steep, and adding speed. She’s very angry. Raising three kids is also a job with long hours, even when they go to school (and activities, needing laundry, meals, driving, etc.). Back out of the ongoing power struggle … you control money and time; she controls home and conversation. Your agreed budget should include discretionary money for her to spend.
She’s a partner, not an employee. You’re both locked in contrary positions. Do something different — include the kids in a refreshing downtime by taking them to a gym or kicking a soccer ball around outside. Have a family outing on the weekend. Cook dinner one night. Set up a date night to go out together. Sex improves once the relaxation and fun does. If nothing works, or one of you doesn’t try, counselling plus a divorce lawyer are your next steps.
Q: My husband of eight years is a great guy; we get along 90 per cent of the time and have fun together. However, he’s had no interest in sex for four-and-a-half years. I gave up even trying to have sex two years ago. I’m only 33, and don’t want to live with a roommate forever. He won’t go to a doctor to see if something’s wrong with him. Is divorce my only option?
— Frustrated Wife
A: See above, for the similarities: You two are also in fixed positions — he won’t have sex, you won’t even try. Something has to change. But if you head straight to the divorce option, you’re not trying the many simpler and easier approaches.
He’s either scared of finding out what’s wrong sexually, or controlling your relationship because of something else that’s wrong. Speak up and tell him that either he is open with you, or you will leave. Remind him that divorce is not an easy change. By contrast, a medical problem can be treated; a relationship issue can be helped through counselling. And a sexual orientation issue, if that’s relevant, can be discussed, and understood a lot better than his rejection.