Jets miss playoffs, still make news
Tebow can’t even get space on Ryan’s skin
Yes, we are talking about playoffs! So many storylines, like Chuck Pagano’s return versus Ray Lewis’s goodbye, or Adrian Peterson versus his quarterback and fellow skill players. It should be a really interesting post-season, beginning this weekend.
Oh My God, Rex Ryan’s Tattoo.
Whoa, sorry. Got a little surprised there, a little blown out of the water, but it’s OK. We’re looking forward at the playoffs, because the people who didn’t get there are the losers, and have probably been fired, whereas the playoffs are for the winners, until they are eliminated from the playoffs. Why, the rookie quarterback matchup between Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson is absolutely fascinating, since they were equally electric this season.
Seriously, Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife on his right shoulder and she is posing like a pin-up and get this, this is the really crazy part right here, she is wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey, seriously, and the tattoo is on the front cover of The New York Daily News with the headline ‘kinky inky’ and my brain is exploding.
Hoo boy, deep breath. Honestly, this weekend is fascinating even if you take into account the fact that Cincinnati is playing, and nobody is that interested in Cincinnati even though the Bengals won seven of their last eight games, and lost the other game by a point. Sure, the wins came against the splat-whoops cadre of the Giants, Kansas City, Oakland, San Diego, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Baltimore’s backups, but hey, still. Andy Dalton time, everybody. Andy Dalton.
OK, I have questions about Rex Ryan’s tattoo. When did he get it? (ESPNNewYork.com’s Rich Cimini quotes a Ryan buddy as saying, “He’s had it for years.”) Why did he pick Sanchez’s No. 6? (If he’s had it for years, he would have got it back when Sanchez was quarterbacking the Jets to back-to-back AFC championship games.) When I woke up and saw the tattoo mixed with news about Jose Canseco wanting to run for mayor of Toronto intermixed with a lot of quotes from Paulina Gretzky, is this what it’s like when your Twitter feed takes the brown acid? (I think so, yes.)
There are four lessons here. One, the comedy of this Jets season may never be topped, and they can overshadow literally anything. Two, in a season where Lovie Smith was fired after going 10-6, and Andy Reid was finally fired in Philly, and Norv Turner was finally fired in San Diego, and that Pat guy was fired in Cleveland, and three other coaches were also given the boot the day after the season ended, even in Buffalo, it’s reasonable to hope Rex Ryan never gets relieved of his duties. Three, Rex Ryan loves his wife so much, and we should all be so lucky. Four: Kids, I’d think very, very hard before getting a tattoo.
So yes, the playoffs! It should all be riveting, right up until we find out about Tim Tebow’s tattoo of the Mark Sanchez buttfumble.
Last week this space went 8-8, concluding yet another season of ineptitude. Perhaps I should run for Mayor of Toronto.
The Picks
Cincinnati (+4.5) at Houston The Texans are essentially the Atlanta Falcons of the AFC, but with tougher competition. They started 11-1, then lost three of their last four. But in fairness, Houston’s only losses were to Green Bay, New England, Minnesota and Indianapolis, all playoff teams. So how did Cincinnati, who have not won a playoff game since 1990 — 1990! — do against playoff-bound teams? 1-2, with the win coming against Baltimore’s backups. You like the hot team headed into the playoffs, but Houston just has a better resume, and a slightly more balanced offence. And they beat the Bengals by three touchdowns in the playoffs last year with T.J. Yates at quarterback. Pick: Houston 20, Cincinnati 17 Minnesota (+7.5) at
Green Bay Last week’s game in Minnesota was just so great. Had Adrian Peterson managed to plow into the end zone on his final carry in overtime, he would have broken Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing record by two yards. Still, he was a man on fire, and ran for 210 and 199 yards in two games against the Pack, which were two of his three Indianapolis (+6.5) at
Baltimore The Ravens tend to win wild-card games, and there should be some kind of emotional boost from the return of Ray Lewis, who will join ESPN as a studio analyst after the season, and who will retire as the greatest Hall of Fame middle linebacker who ever cut a plea deal to admit to obstructing justice on a double-homicide who then settled civil cases out of court with the families of the victims. Meanwhile, Indianapolis is playing for head coach Chuck Pagano, back from fighting leukemia, but has a tough time on the road. Tough to pick who to root for, right? That said, it’s hard to pick more than one rookie quarterback on the road in a week.
Pick: Ravens 24, Colts 20 Seattle (-2.5) at Washington RGIII and Wilson are gifts to this league; they had the two lowest interception-totouchdown ratios of any rookie quarterbacks in history. Somehow, Washington won their last seven games; like neon-accented rain gods, Seattle won seven of their last eight. But one of these teams has beaten New England, Minnesota, San Francisco, and a 10-win Chicago team this season, and the other beat Minnesota, Baltimore, and ... well, Washington closed with that win over Dallas when Tony Romo exploded like a fireworks factory run by Tony Romo. That’s got to soften a team up for Russell Wilson. Pick: Seahawks 30, Redskins 20
Last week 8-8 Season 118-132-5