How to get over the heartbreak of a lost relationship

Q: How does someone really get over an ex?

— Lost in Los Angeles

A: It’s a short question, with a lifetime answer. The first major heartbreak is the hardest, at any age. But it’s not about him or her; it’s about you. Much of the agony — you need to realize this — isn’t so much about missing the other person, but about feeling rejected. How you feel about yourself has a strong effect on how you handle rejection. So ... look at what was really happening in the relationship, and get angry. Ask yourself why you should want less than someone who cares deeply about you, respects you, is trustworthy, honours you and loves you. Once you are more distanced from the immediate shock and hurt, think through — perhaps with professional help if needed — those behaviours of the other person or between you that you should not have let go on so long. Time does heal. But it should be helped along with getting out of your funk, being with people you like and trust, and boosting your own self-esteem.

Q: My friend of 10 years and I are having a huge fight because her crush of two years messaged me on Facebook, flirting and saying to text him. I’m not interested in him at all, but I didn’t want to be rude and not respond. I told my friend right away. Our friendship’s way more important than some guy I barely know and have no feelings for. I respect the girl code 100 per cent, but my friend thinks that he and I have something going on. Not true. I tried talking to her in person, but she kept giving me the cold shoulder.

— How to Fix This?

A: She’s been humiliated by him, not you, but you’re caught in the middle. Your intent was honesty, but unfortunately it revealed that he’s not interested in her. A long-held crush — as you probably know — is mostly fantasy and can hold a big emotional place in someone’s imagination, hopes and dreams. In hindsight, it probably would’ve been better not to tell her, just to brush him off. Send her an email — since she’s unlikely to resist reading it — and apologize. (Don’t criticize the guy too much or you’re commenting on her taste).