Husband must give reasons for six years without sex
Q: Can a woman go without sex and affection and be healthy? I’m married and have been in this relationship for 16 years, but the last six have been sexless. There’s nothing at all — no compliments, no kisses, nothing that requires him to touch me. I have been faithful. However, I’m no longer sure about him. Both of us are healthy.
— Losing Faith
A: While sexual satisfaction can make you feel healthy, lack of it isn’t what will make you sick. It’s the stress, anger and distrust you’re building up that can have negative health effects. Six years of not knowing why the sex and affection have stopped is unacceptable.
You must insist on answers. Whatever his reason, you need to know. And if he’s unfaithful, you need to know that too, and consider your options.
Q: I’m a gay guy in my early 20s. I’ve just started working for a new employer and sort of unexpectedly came out of the closet, with no shame in doing so. I was informed that a male coworker in a different department admitted to making a homophobic slur. His explanation was that he was gay, so it was OK. Since the incident occurred, I feel he’s been flirting with me and even co-workers have questioned if we’re an item. He’s said things like “I love you, man,” “You’re the best looking guy in this place” and “You’re the most talented guy I know.” After a few days off I’ll ask, “So how much did you miss me?” and he’ll tell me he couldn’t stop thinking of me. He’s a pretty attractive guy. Recently, I built up the courage and asked him out for coffee. His reply was, “Dude, if I was gay, I totally would.” However, the over-friendliness and borderline flirting continues and he asked for and received a transfer to my department, which starts soon. All my friends say enough is enough and I need to tell him to stop. I enjoy whatever’s happening, but I’m the only co-worker he treats this way.
— Mixed Messages
A: Step aside. He’s playing games with you, and until he’s upfront about what he’s trying to say or do, you need to consider him as a co-worker, period. Many readers will immediately assume he is gay, or his comments wouldn’t be so pointed. But he says otherwise. Others will say he’s homophobic, but trying to rise above it by making nice. Most important, however, is how you feel, which is confused. You’ve responded in kind to his flirting when you asked if he missed you. But he insists he’s not gay; so don’t go that dead-end route anymore. Next time he’s full of compliments, just brush it off with a laugh, and something like, “Sure, sure, I bet you say that to everyone!” Then walk away. Also, if he keeps this up, consider it insulting and not-so-subtle gay baiting. Say so, and tell him to stop.