CALGARIANS SHARE THE BENEFITS OF BIG FAMILIES
IN A COUNTRY WHERE FAMILY SIZES KEEP SHRINKING AND BIG FAMILIES ARE VIEWED AS CURIOSITIES, MEET SOME CALGARY CLANS WHO FIND EIGHT IS ENOUGH TO LOVE
For Calgary mom Katie O’Connor and her six children, nothing draws attention to the size of her young family quite like boarding an airplane. The kids range in age from 11 down to three and, because O’Connor colour co-ordinates their outfits on vacation (to keep track of them in crowded places), they file aboard like the von Trapps, less one.
“One time as we were boarding, an old man said, ‘I think she’s the nanny,’” O’Connor confides in her lovely southern accent. “And another woman said, ‘She’s too young to have that many kids.’” O’Connor has grown accustomed to remarks like this, and always laughs them off.
The 37-year-old Texas transplant looks rested, put together and relaxed when she welcomes me into the spacious home she shares with her kids, husband and baby-daddy Sean O’Connor, and two golden retrievers. I am expecting to see toys everywhere, strewn about by a gaggle of children with jam-smeared faces and unkempt hair. Even the tabloids are filled with stories about Brangelina’s disobedient brood and their chaotic life behind closed chateau doors. So I am taken aback when O’Connor graciously ushers me into her childand toy-free living room to chat about life with six kids. She even has the presence of mind to offer me wine.
I have come armed with all kinds of prying questions typical families (those with two or fewer children) would ask such a modern marvel — “Can you afford ski holidays?” (they ski once a week all winter). “Don’t all those kids drive you nuts?” (Yes! Well, occasionally …). And “Do you ever call them the wrong names?” (all the time, and sometimes even the dogs’ names) — but I am disarmed by the apparent normalcy of her life.
Her secret? Uber-organization, a common thread I unravel as I speak with two more local families with lots of tots — a dying, ahem, breed in this urban city. A generation ago no one blinked an eye at The Brady Bunch and their blended family of six kids. But today, big families are increasingly an anomaly and, as such, a curiosity.
Statistics Canada data from 2011 reveals the average number of children per woman in Canada is 1.6. Out of the country’s 9.3 million families, fewer than 10 per cent have three or more children. A 2008 report from The Vanier Institute of the Family, called Family Intentions: If, When and How Many? asked women between the ages of 20 and 39 how many children they planned on having. Only eight per cent answered “four or more.” What’s more, the report identified a gap between the number of children Canadians say they want (on average 2.2) and the number they actually have (1.6). In other words, to actually follow through with plans for a modern family of four or more children is quite rare.
There seems to be a stigma against big families; people think the kids are deprived, or that their life is akin to a circus — mayhem, no bedtime or boundaries, lots of yelling. Recently, Lauren Sandler, author of One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One, called out parents of more than one as dazed and impatient, shells of their former selves who, furthermore, don’t get to travel or attend late night rock shows. She even famously referred to women who have three or more children as “champion breeders.”
With all that baggage waiting to claim your giant family, as well as the obvious challenges of packing six lunches and backpacks every day, or sending a sixpack through university, why go down that road?
Big families are what Kelly Schwartz calls an “exercise in management” in terms of time, resources and attention. “It’s tough to share the attention and maybe feel like you’re meeting all the children’s needs,” says Schwartz, a University of Calgary psychologist who specializes in child and family development, and family systems.
He identifies religious affiliation and cultural identity as two reasons modern parents might choose to buck family conventions and raise more than 1.6 kids. In some religions large families are part of the faith system, or a spiritual directive. For example, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the conservative Christian parents from the reality TV show 19 Kids and Counting, are vocal about their reasons for continuing to have kids; early on they decided to “let God decide how many children we would have.”
In some cultures many children are expected and encouraged. “Family strength is guided by family size,” says Schwartz.
Often family size is influenced by the number of siblings the parents had growing up. And sometimes, there are families like the O’Connors, who just want a lot of kids. They were aiming for five, but the fifth turned out to be twin girls, which O’Connor says is better because an even number means everyone is “paired off.”
It’s one thing to understand why parents would choose to have lots of children, but quite another to be able to relate to what’s it’s like day-to-day in a full house. Reality TV does not paint a promising picture — no one wants to have a grandchild older than her youngest kid, a la Duggars. Or a litter of children, like the former reality TV couple (and now-split-up) Jon and Kate.
“If we look at Octomom, we get some satisfaction with knowing our life is not like that,” says Schwartz. “We watch those shows so we can say, ‘Well, my life’s not that crazy.’ And then we feel better about ourselves,” he says.
While there are crazy moments and tantrums and screaming from time to time in big families (and in small ones too), that’s not the defining reality for the families I spoke with (though it does make for good TV).
O’Connor calls her life “organized chaos.” She packs school lunches the night before; organizes rides with neighbours to shuttle the children to lacrosse, dance and hockey; and uses a sticker chart to help the four eldest keep track of their chores, from making their beds in the morning through to doing their homework before bed. Scheduling around school, extracurricular activities and social engagements; helping with homework; filling in forms and answering emails; kissing booboos; and retrieving princess dresses from the closet shelf in the twins’ room; are O’Connor’s full time job.
The family has regular meetings to touch base, and mom and dad go on a date night once a week to stay connected apart from the kids. You’d think one benefit of having so many children would be having the oldest babysit or look after the youngest, but that’s against O’Connor’s policy — she brings in outside help because she thinks it’s better for sibling relationships.
Indeed, the idea of builtin playmates as kids, who grow into friends for life as adults, is often touted as one of the benefits of having a big family.
“It’s more people to play with, but also more people to fight with,” says Christie Krawchuck, a stay-at-home mom with four kids under the age of 10. For the most part though, having more children teaches them camaraderie, and responsibility, from an earlier age, she says. Her oldest daughter reads to the youngest at bedtime, for example, and loves having that job. And because Krawchuck only has two hands, she can’t do for her kids what they can do for themselves. Because of this her youngest started dressing herself at age two.
Mom of five Doreen Witvoet sees all of those benefits, plus several more.
“They have to give and share more,” she says. And she feels they have stronger sibling relationships because of the family dynamic — they go to each other more often for help, and work together, because mom is busy.
But Witvoet is proof that not every big family can afford annual airplane holidays or regular restaurant meals out. The cliche of “more mouths to feed” is a reality. Forget sit-down restaurants, says Witvoet, whose kids range in age from three to 16. Even McDonald’s is expensive for a family of seven, averaging $60. The Witvoets eat most meals at home but even so their monthly grocery bill is often close to $1,500, the size of a small mortgage.
Her children don’t want for any necessities, but they do have to make a conscious effort to help stretch the budget. They drink water instead of juice, for example.
“We also can’t really go on trips in airplanes,” says Witvoet. “It would take a long time to save up.” Instead, they drive to the U.S. or go camping.
“People assume you must be an amazing parent because you have five kids. No, I’ve lost my mind,” she confides. “Sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is yelling. Sometimes it’s just chaos in the house. It’s always noisy.”
Make no mistake — all three of these stay-at-home moms keep it real. They laugh at themselves and are quick to shatter any illusion of perfection because parenting so many kids is hard work. Their choice to have a lot of children when friends chose one or two means there’s never a dull moment. Screaming happens. Stuff gets broken. It’s harder to have one-on-one time with each kid. But amid the bedlam there’s also more laughter — and love.
Says Witvoet: “Your house is always full of people you love.”