Get rid of ‘dream guy’ who is a nightmare

Q: I previously dated my current boyfriend of eight months 20-plus years ago. He’s 51, and 13 years older than me. I love the way he treats me. He’s an equal partner in helping me make decisions that affect both of us, and sharing in housework. He’s also very giving. In some ways, he’s a total dream guy.

However, he’s seriously addicted to smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I have children and don’t want that around them. I’ve never dated anyone with any addictions and I don’t have any, so it’s been difficult to deal with having these so prominently in my face.

Also he’s extremely insecure, jealous of any male I talk to except a family member, and he second-guesses everything I say. (For example, he doesn’t believe I love him and doesn’t trust me). He’s afraid to move forward and commit to marriage. He’s never been married.

I’m not sure whether I should stay in the relationship for the security or strike out on my own. I can be very independent and selfsufficient, but I prefer being in a relationship. What do you think?

— Uncertain Future

A: Since you asked, and since you’re a grown woman with children, I’ll be blunt — your “dream guy” is a nightmare. There’s no security in living with a jealous, distrustful man. He won’t likely compromise on serious addictions just because you want them kept from your children.

You’d be settling for something you think you can handle, when in fact this is a man in middle age who has never before had to compromise with a wife and children. Just hoping he will for you isn’t going to make it happen.

Move on before his jealousy makes you miserable and before your kids rebel against your choosing someone so wrong as their role model.