Woman can’t stop pining for lost love

Q: I’ve been stuck with feelings for an old love for some time. We broke up three years ago. Afterward, we saw each other several times and both expressed that we had feelings for one another and that we see us being together in the future.

We had each been at challenging times in our lives during the time we’d been together and I can see now that the timing was just not right for us then. I still have feelings for him but decided to distance myself from him to control my feelings and help myself move forward.

I have moved on to a point, but whenever I’m dating someone else I still have the thought in the back of my mind that I’ll only be with him until the time comes for my ex and me. It has prevented me from having successful relationships.

Part of me thinks that when you really love someone who also loves you, it’s worth the work. The other part of me says to move forward, just appreciate the time we had, and if it’s meant to be, it would be. I’m having a hard time deciding which part of me is right.

— Uncertain in Limbo

A: Love is certainly worth the work, but you both have to be talking and spending time together again to get a reunion going. If your own past challenges are now settled, or under control, contact him and see where he’s at with regard to whatever preoccupied him in those days. It’s not a loss of control or backwards move just to check in on how he is.

You’ll soon hear or sense whether there’s mutual interest in a second chance for you two. If not, that should be your turning point and you’ll know that it’s over. You can only move forward if you stop daydreaming about what could be. Then, assess a new person who comes into your life on his own merit, and not by comparisons.

Q: I met this guy, and then I only really hung out with him once — along with other friends — and that was a while ago. We were next together with a group of mutual friends at a bar a month ago. We hit it off and later we both said we’d like to go further. However, he said he wasn’t sure if it was a rebound or not.

Now he feels like it would’ve been a rebound, and we’ve stopped being close. I’m wondering if he’ll ever think of me as more, or am I now stuck as a rebound to him?

— Unsure of Status

A: Reality check: Nothing much happened. You’re not clear about whether you fooled around or just flirted, but he was clear — it was a rebound. He still has someone else in mind, and he thinks anything more is too soon after a recent split. Be friendly but cool. He’s not yet available.