Kids need time to accept new relationship

Q: I met my boyfriend 18 years ago. We never dated then; we were just good friends, though we knew we liked each other. He got married, as did I. I’ve since divorced. Three months ago I met him, and he was on the last legal stage of his divorce.

Since then, we’ve been inseparable; it’s finally the right time for us. We love each other very much! We have long-term plans.

Though he’s been separated for a while, he just recently signed the divorce papers. He says (and I agree) that he cannot tell his kids, who are 13 and seven, about us. What’s a good strategy to prepare his kids and let them know about us, eventually?

He’s really concerned about his teenager and doesn’t want to affect the children in any way. He’s an excellent dad and wants the best for them, and I want to support him. But I’ve never before been in a situation where I’m in the shadows, and sometimes that makes me feel bad and insecure.

— Unsure What To Do

A: Your boyfriend is wise regarding his kids’ adjustment, especially the young teen’s reaction to a new woman in his life. It’s important that you both agreed to think through your approach. Since you already feel that you know each other, the three months of dating isn’t too early to talk to a child psychologist together about this.

You’re not hiding in shadows — you’re being responsibly discreet about your relationship until he’s done some groundwork to make their acceptance of you go more smoothly. There are several books about post-divorce and children’s issues on the self-help shelves that you can browse to decide which ones seem suitable.

Be aware that as wonderful as it is for you two to re-discover each other, kids aren’t interested in adults’ romances and won’t applaud the situation. Also, they’ll be dealing with their mother’s reaction, which will influence them.

If you respect the children’s perspective, and treat them kindly as an adult friend when you meet, without rushing your relationship into their lives, they’ll better handle the reality of their dad loving someone new.