Caught in a sexual tug of war

Q: My husband of 15 years and I have had ups and downs. However, the downs can last six to nine months, with no communication. He cuts me off. If I speak to him, he doesn’t respond.

Five years ago, he admitted that the cause of his shutdowns is sexual frustration at not being able to enjoy specific sex acts with me. He says he (rightly) assumed I wouldn’t be comfortable with his requests. But over the years his needs have grown stronger and he’s more frustrated.

I’ve never been satisfied sexually, but much else is good with us (when he’s speaking to me). When he said what he wanted sexually, it was off-putting. But for the sake of our family, and us, I tried to do as he asked.

He said it’s not enough, since he knows I wasn’t performing happily. So he’s cut off again.

During these periods, he’s cheated (with friends and prostitutes), gone to strip clubs and treats me as invisible. He said he knows he doesn’t satisfy me, although he’s capable, but can’t do so when he’s stressed.

I am done. Our late-teenage children are now asking questions about his behaviour (like his not sleeping upstairs). He’s an excellent provider, fun to be around (when in a good mood) and I do love him. Please advise.

— Angry and Heartbroken

A: Months of no communication, cheating, excuses for not satisfying you … what’s to love? He’s created a sexual tug of war — he wants something he knows you don’t want, you try, but he says “not good enough,” he doesn’t satisfy you, and blames stress.

It’s a setup that makes compromise impossible. It sure is NOT an equal, respectful, healthy relationship. Your kids now sense that. Fun? Feh! You’ve hung in long enough.