Widow still crying for the past
Q: My husband died young; his best friend, who was our lawyer, helped me cope. A year later, we started an affair. His wife left him a couple of years later, and now, after three years together, he’s gone — dating someone else.
I’m devastated, constantly crying. I feel as if the shock of my husband’s sudden death at 43 has just hit! What’s the matter with me?
— Feeling Widowed Again
A: It’s common that the shock of a past loss gets re-triggered by another hurt or loss. Especially so when the death was traumatic, and your grieving was suppressed to get on with the pressing details that followed.
You’re reliving the devastation, mourning anew. When you recognize that your reaction to his leaving is affected by the past loss, you’ll be able to separate them.
He helped you when you needed him — and when he liked being needed — but the dynamic’s changed greatly since then.
You’re a far stronger woman than when you two got together. You’ll be able to move forward when you stop crying for the past. And you’ll want a more equal relationship next time.
Q: I’m married to a divorced man, and things were great until his daughter’s wedding, when I met his ex for the first time. I didn’t break up their marriage — he had another girlfriend when he first separated, not me.
He and his ex-wife had hardly spoken to each other in five years, but they walked the bride up the aisle together, and spent a lot of time talking and laughing while I sat alone.
I didn’t know their old friends and we weren’t allowed to invite any guests of our own. I’m still furious but he brushes it off, and says I’m overreacting.
— Sidelined Wife
A: He handled the occasion badly. He likely brushes it off partly from embarrassment to admit any wrongdoing, and also because he can’t turn it around now that the wedding’s over.
Tell him that you were left feeling hurt and awkward as an outsider in his life instead of a wife. He must correct this impression, include you when he visits his married daughter, even if his ex is there, and present you as his full partner.
Q: My long-distance girlfriend of four years lost her mother while we were both students, and still returning home to our parents in different countries. It happened when I was overseas and couldn’t afford to travel for the funeral.
Now, we’re graduated and living together, and she has crying spells at night and rejects sex. She says she can’t forgive my not being there for her, and fears I’ll let her down again, so she can’t risk getting pregnant. I don’t know how to get past this.
— Rejected Lover
A: She’s put you into her grief focus as an added cause for pain. She needs help with dealing with her mother’s death, no matter how long ago. She’s feeling she dishonours her mother, whose funeral you missed, if she forgives you. An experienced grief counsellor would help her with this.
Show compassion instead of frustration, since this is about her, not your relationship.
Q: In my late teens and early 20s, I was in a six-year relationship with a woman right through university. We were in a group of eight friends who hung out together.
Different pairings occurred within the group over time, but we still all hung out.
When she dropped me for another man among us (whom she eventually married), the group blew apart within weeks, with only casual contacts afterward.
I understood losing her, but losing seven friends all at once was a blow. It took a couple of years to recover.
I developed a new circle and have now been married for 25 years. It can be hell getting through it, but it did get better over time.
— Tough Transition
A: Life takes us along some very bumpy roads, but you managed to figure out a new path with new people, and found your true partner. That took a positive outlook and self-confidence; both key to surviving losses.