Don’t let cheating men make you overly cynical
Q: As a frequent reader of the questions you receive, I’ve learned about so many married men who cheat, or “stopped loving” their spouses, because of having kids, weight gain, not being physically available enough to satisfy a quickie, or because they have more successful careers, that it sickens me.
As a single woman, I’ve had several male friends and acquaintances approach me for a “good …” with explanations that they “don’t get any from their girlfriends or wives.”
What makes them think that’s a good enough reason to be unfaithful or that it’s appropriate? Are they all so insecure that they need to risk ruining a stable, loving relationship for a few seconds of feeling “manly?”
I’ve never acted on their requests because I can’t dishonour myself, or my fellow sisters, by being a slut.
In the process of selecting a partner for myself, how do I root out the losers and find good honest men who were raised right, with respect for their commitments?
A: I strongly urge you to not become cynical. While many people write me with their relationship problems (and having a spouse, male or female, withdraw sex arbitrarily over an indefinite period IS a problem), the vast majority of happy, satisfied spouses don’t write for similar advice.
If they have relationship issues, it’s about other things like in-law disputes, tough financial times, health changes, etc.
The fact that people seek advice is a good sign, that they want to do and feel better. Just as you’re seeking how to stay positive and self-confident about finding a decent partner.
Dating is a process, not an end in itself. It’s exercising your social skills at communicating and getting someone to respond with openness and honesty. You’re a sensitive person, evidenced by your reaction to accounts of some men’s bad behaviour. Sensitivity is a good thing, so long as it doesn’t make you suspicious.
When you date, show compassion for others, when you also expect them to be sensitive to you.
More people are decent than are not.
Q: I’ve been married for 10 years, have two great kids. In recent years, my wife and I drifted apart intimately. Her libido dropped to near-zero, which she blames on the (birth control) pill.
We’ve had many arguments and discussions about how to fix this problem, things get better for awhile, then revert.
She promises to try harder, then doesn’t.
I’ve said I wanted a separation because I no longer feel emotionally attached. I still care for her, but only as the mother of my children. How do I get past feeling indifferent to her or is it a sign to move on?
Feeling Unwanted
A: It’s a loud alarm to talk to her physician about the effects of “the pill” and to also get counselling together.
Maybe the demands of child-rearing and fear of getting pregnant again keep her on that pill, despite its effects. Yet her doctor may find another medication that does not affect libido.
Perhaps it’s the approach to “intimacy” if you’ve both stopped taking time to be affectionate, and be each other’s support. (See above for worstcase scenarios when a couple stops trying).
Seek a solution together, with medical and therapy help, before just giving up, which will affect all of you including the kids.
Q: My friend and her boyfriend have been living together and sharing expenses.
Previously, their incomes were close, sharing equally wasn’t an issue. Now he’s making a lot more than she is.
He wants to buy a very expensive house, but she doesn’t feel she can afford to pay half of the expenses. He says he doesn’t want to subsidize her living expenses.
I feel he’s trying to control her, and they should be purchasing something they can afford to share equally. He shouldn’t be insisting she live beyond her means so he can live in a fancier house. Am I Right? A: Equalization and respect are the issues here. His greater income determines his greater share of expenses. If he doesn’t respect her preference not to be stressed and overburdened financially, then he’s a poor partner for buying a house. Period. She needs to take a closer look at the whole relationship.
TIP OF THE DAY
Dating is a phased process for building trust.