If you’ve never met, you shouldn’t commit
Q I met this woman online who seemed really nice and pretty. I wanted to meet her soon, though she lives a few hours away. She insisted we keep talking until she felt sure I’m not playing her, because she’s been hurt before. So we texted, emailed, and phoned daily for a month. Now she says she loves me and is ready to be in a serious relationship. But it’d mean a lot of travel, meeting each other’s families and friends right away. It feels way too fast.
Speed Train
A It IS too fast to declare love to someone she’s never met in person. She’s trying to confirm a relationship ahead of time.
However, you have some responsibility yourself for encouraging her, when you wanted to meet soon, which did involve travelling. Slow things down. Use Skype to show each other where and how you live, talk more about your interests, etc. Make sure she understands it’s not a commitment, until you know each other better.
Q I knew my fiance was a good son, but now it’s worrying me.
Anything I suggest, he discusses with his Mom and brings back her contrary opinion. If I want yellow flowers, she prefers pink. If I want a small reception, she says we can’t leave out second cousins. We’re paying for our own wedding. But she wants to take it over ( and pay nothing). What’s worse, he goes along with it. Monster- in- Law
A The red flag isn’t his mother; it’s how he handles her.
Don’t waste your energy being angry with her, she’s been manipulating his decisions for years, and he’s clearly not challenged her.
Tell him that now there’s a need for him to draw boundaries as an adult with a partner, so that you two can decide your own lives.
A wedding’s traditionally the Bride’s Day and she knows this. She’s entitled to make suggestions, but not to overrule what you two decide.
If he agreed with you before on a small reception, that’s it. Also, it’s likely what you can both afford. If she wants to host a large reception, at a later date, all at her expense, you and your fiancé could consider it. Or not.
There’s no need to be mean or disrespectful, just firm about what you both can accept and what you cannot. He has to understand that otherwise, her “opinions” and intrusions can split you two apart. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@ thestar. ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar. com/ elliechat. Follow@ ellieadvice.