RELOCATION ADVICE FOR AMERICANS.
Welcome, American refugees! Bienvenus à tous! Thank you for considering Canada as your next home. Judging by the sudden level of interest you’ve shown in our country — you crashed our Citizenship and Immigration website Tuesday night, hours before Donald Trump delivered his victory speech — we expect millions of you to be crossing the border soon.
Please take some time now to consider our relocation tips. There are certain places in our great federation you might want to avoid. Southern Alberta, for example. It’s a bit like Missouri, or Texas, or Oklahoma. You know, sort of ... Trump-like. You’d arrive there, look around, and probably think you’d never left the Midwest. Think about these places, instead:
Nelson, B.C.: This quaint little mountain town near the U.S. border was discovered by American draft dodgers during the Vietnam War. They came, they grew weed, they never left. Show up in a Subaru with an “I Hate Trump” bumper sticker and you’ll be made to feel welcome. You might even find some long-lost relatives living in the woods, tending their grow-op.
Regina, Sask.: The birthplace of Obamacare. Probably the only relocation incentive a depressed Democrat needs right now, yes? Regina is also the only city in Canada where hockey takes a back seat to football. OK, it’s Canadian, three-down football, played on an enormous field of artificial grass covered with distracting markings meant for high school soccer and such, but if you’re coming north, you’ll have to adapt. Muskoka, Ont.: American celebrities have been coming here for decades, to “relax” and to “hideout” in palatial “summer cottages.” Monied and spoiled, this lake-dotted vacation spot is perfect for left-leaning Hollywood types looking to escape the inevitable Trump-administration blacklist. We’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.
Rivière-du-Loup, Que.: Wolf ’s River, to you. Except you don’t want to be calling this town by its English name, ever, because your fellow residents will hate you for it. This is a French-speaking community, sur le fleuve StLaurent. Remember that and keep your mouths shut, or learn the damn language. (Sorry for swearing.) For all you Bernie Saunders types: You wanted socialism? This is as close as it gets without leaving North America.
Nain, Labrador: The northernmost permanent settlement in Newfoundland and Labrador, Nain is not for the faint of heart. Or the weak of mind. Or for people who quickly tire of wind, rock and ice. We only suggest Nain because it could use a shot in the arm and because we figure some of you might wish to do some serious penance on behalf of your homeland. If so, this should be the place.
Bonus: Flying into Nain on a winter’s day, in a small aircraft, is stomach churning and death-defying. It’s sort of like taking the biggest, scariest Six Flags amusement park ride ever built. So you’ll always have that.