Off to Underworld and a darker kind of Oz
Chris Lackner highlights what’s on tap in film, television and music.
MOVIES
Big release: Underworld: Blood Wars (Jan. 6). Big picture: Like immortal, fang-slinging clans of Hatfield and McCoys, the vampires and lycans of Underworld are still at it in the fifth instalment of this action-horror franchise. At what, you might ask? Their eternal blood feud of course — not to mention prolonging Kate Beckinsale’s acting career and propping up the leather and latex industries.
In Underworld: Blood Wars, the blood of the vampiress Selene (Beckinsale) and her daughter are the ultimate treasures on the battlefield.
To ward off her enemies, Selene is sent to a secret, snowy fortress to meet a silver-haired Daenerys Targaryen ripoff with fangs who doubles as some kind of vampire Yoda. Selene’s elder teaches her to use vampire Force … or something.
Suddenly, she’s Supervamp! (Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive clad in bondage gear … and able to leap into the dreams of teenage boys in a single bound!) Anything ancient and bloodsucking had better watch out! Forecast: Fans presume Blood Wars is this exhausted franchise’s swan song. But I predict another instalment called Underworld: Trump Wars.
After being earmarked for deportation, lycans and vampires work together against the White House — with a highly unlikely foe-turned-friend: the ghost of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
TV
Big events: Emerald City (Jan. 6, NBC); The New Celebrity Apprentice (Mondays, NBC). Big picture: Actress Adria Arjona (True Detective) does more than click heels in her first leading role. Toto is a police dog and Dorothy is a woman. But she wishes for more over her birthday cake and she’s suddenly enveloped by a tornado and ushered to Oz. (I’ll be making a similar wish this year, but plan to blow my cake out inside a wardrobe in the hopes of finally making it to Narnia.)
As for Oz, it’s a lot darker than you remember — more Westeros than Disney. The Munchkins even look like Wildlings, Oz (Vincent D’Onofrio) looks like a poor-man’s King Robert Baratheon and Dorothy quickly emerges as a potential queen (witch?) in waiting. Before long, she is caught up in an epic war, while finding time to fall in love with a dashing, handsome swordsman. (Let’s not make this too modern, right, NBC?)
Meanwhile, The New Celebrity Apprentice (debuted Jan. 2, airing Mondays) doesn’t mean the new U.S. president-elect has already resigned.
The show has moved to California, and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has taken over as host. (Donald Trump remains an executive producer because he’ll have “lots” of free time come January.) Contestants include Boy George, Snooki and comic Jon Lovitz. Forecast: Emerald City is Once Upon a Time meets Wicked meets Westeros minus HBO pedigree. Whether that’s enough to cast a long-term spell over viewers is beyond this writer’s crystal ball. But the two-hour premiere is worth at least an early meander down this new yellow brick road. As for the Apprentice, given the career-boost it gave his predecessor, I predict Arnold will be Emperor of a United North America by 2024.
MUSIC
Big release on Jan. 6: Dropkick Murphys (11 Short Stories of Pain & Glory). Big picture: On their ninth album, the Massachusetts Celtic punk rockers get serious. Paying My Way is about conquering addiction and 4-15-13 is a tribute to the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. While song titles like Blood and Rebels with a Cause sound like more standard punk fare, I’m curious about a song titled I Had a Hat. Forecast: Celtic punk’s not dead. (Though I’m not 100 per cent sure it ever truly lived.) Global Voices by Craig and Marc Kielburger will return Jan. 10.