Texting is never OK for theatre audiences
One of my mother’s favourite expressions was that something or someone was going to hell in a handbag, usually myself or one of my brothers.
That phrase had a striking reality at the opening night of Theatre Calgary’s Sisters: The Belles Soeurs Musical.
A woman in the row in front of me kept checking her cellphone and texting replies. To her credit, she did have it inside a large handbag so the glare wasn’t too distracting and it must have been on silent mode because it wasn’t chirping loudly.
Her companion was trying to watch the play, but occasionally she was compelled to share a bon mot with him.
It surpasses all understanding, as my mother was also want to say, that people find it necessary to bring their cellphones to movies, concerts and especially theatre. Unless the person is a doctor on call there is no excuse for checking one’s phone if it vibrates or beeps during a play.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions as most of us can attest having heard someone’s cellphone go off during a performance or, heaven help us, our own phone.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
I was attending a Downstage production in the Motel Theatre starring Sharon Pollock. I have managed to blot out the name of the play but not the humiliating experience.
We were sitting in big armchairs when my phone went off. It was muffled because it was in my coat pocket and I managed to get my coat and a pillow under me, but there was Sharon just inches away in mid-monologue. This is why I will never take my phone with me into the theatre again.
This brings me to the question of theatre etiquette which is definitely going to hell in a handbag.
I don’t mean people whispering to each other during a performance. That annoyance has been around for centuries. I blame that one on Shakespeare for encouraging the rabble in the pit to get vocal.
But there are other annoyances from late attendees to amorous couples and heavily scented patrons.
One year, my theatre season’s tickets were beside a pair of delightful elderly women who loved their perfumes. I just wish it had at least been the same perfume and in far smaller doses.
What many of us do not realize is that our noses adapt to perfumes very quickly. This means that even though we may no longer smell the perfume or cologne on ourselves, people around us can. It also means we don’t have to refresh our scents and hand lotions before entering the theatre and especially not during intermission.
Another pet peeve is couples who feel compelled to watch a play with arms wrapped around each other. It’s cute and sweet for about two seconds until you have to try and see around the large lump in front of you.
Latecomers also cause disruption and theatre companies in Calgary would do well to take their cue from StoryBook Theatre. Its policy is to not admit anyone once the play has started.
If patrons demand to be seated, put them at the back of the theatre until intermission or have the show playing on a screen in the lobby as is the case in some Broadway theatres.
I’m the first to agree that theatre should not be a sacred experience. It’s a place to laugh, gasp, sigh and cry, but the motivation should come from the stage, not from the show going on in the seats around you.