GRANDPARENTS AND GRANDKIDS
Playing favourites will hurt children
As parents, we don’t have favourite children. Or, at least, we shouldn’t.
As grandparents we shouldn’t have favourites, either. But we do. It’s hard not to want to spend more time with the granddaughter who loves to read as much as you do. Or the grandson who loves to help you plant roses.
Before becoming a grandmother, I swore never to show favouritism. Years ago, I was the recipient of this behaviour. I didn’t always know what was happening, but it never felt good.
My grandfather lived with us for 11 years. He showered my sister with gifts, kind words and protection. She would start a fight, taunting and teasing me, and then sprint to his room, leaving me crying and frustrated.
Was he not loving me the same because I was not nice to him? Or was I mean to my grandfather because I could sense he didn’t like me very much?
It took years of therapy for me to gain some much-needed selfconfidence.
When he died, my family grieved, but I felt a twinge of relief.
Then, of course, I felt guilty. But by this time I was a young adult, carrying with me the promise to never favour one grandchild over the other.
Recently, I watched my husband buy an expensive laptop for our granddaughter and nothing for my grandson.
Granted, she is older and needed one for school. But as soon as my husband took out his credit card, the pressure against my heart became unbearable.
He knew how I had been treated, but couldn’t feel my insides shattering as my grandfather hugged my sister or merely tousled her hair.
The fact is, my sister felt bad about it, too. She recently told me she felt horrible when our grandfather bought her extra presents.
Family is a microcosm of the world, said therapist Virginia Satir. “To understand the world, we can study the family: Issues such as power, intimacy, auton- omy, trust and communication skills are vital. To change the world is to change the family.”
A family lives, works and breathes as a unit. If one person is sick, the family routine is altered. When one person is absent, such as a child at camp or parent on a business trip, life runs differently. Thus, favouritism alters everyone’s behaviour.
My mother compensated for my grandfather by spending more time with me. My sister understood why my mom would often take me shopping and leave her at home. And there was my father who tried to keep a balance.
When my husband gave our granddaughter her gift, tears filled his eyes. Upon seeing her present, our granddaughter began crying. At that moment, I caught my grandson’s eye. He was crying, too.
I was 16 again, watching my grandfather hand my younger sister the keys to her very own car. And that question, the one that lurks in the back of my mind, resurfaced. What about me?
So, when no one was looking, I took that lovable young boy aside and promised him a laptop in two years. And I kept that promise.
And I’ve since been very aware of my actions. Here’s what I’ve learned to do.
I think before I speak. I make sure I’m giving equal praise with the same enthusiasm. What we say is just as important as how we say it. If I rave about my granddaughter’s new haircut, but then look at her brother and say, “Oh, and you look great, too,” that second compliment definitely comes off as an afterthought.
I never come with gifts for one grandchild unless it’s a special event, such as a birthday or graduation. I chauffeur equally. If I take my granddaughter to dance, but don’t have time to take my grandson to track, he notices. If sporting events fall on the same day, I trade off.
But it takes constant awareness. I still find myself wanting to say yes to my sweet, funny granddaughter and no to the rambunctious grandson, whose energy is exhausting, but is exactly as it should be.
And so I stop myself, because he will know when he’s not getting the attention he deserves.
I was that grandchild and I promise not to let it happen again.