SAYING ‘ I DO ’ TO YOU
Women who took the plunge into marriage without a partner explain their radical act
When Brazilian actress and model Adriana Lima married herself back in 2017, the collective internet rolled its eyes. But Alexandra Gill totally got it. Maybe that’s because Gill has been happily married to herself for the better part of 12 years — and she wouldn’t want it any other way.
Gill took the plunge without a partner on a whim. A close friend loved to host elaborate parties that were mostly excuses to get dolled up. The Vancouverbased food critic recalls one year when her friend, a corset maker with a closet of vintage wedding dresses, suggested they all wear one for a photo shoot in a local park. “Then someone else said, well, we’re all single so why don’t we just marry ourselves? It happened very organically,” says Gill.
And so eight female friends — who ranged in age from 25 to 50 — decided to marry themselves in the park. The brides had their hair done, brought flowers and ordered a big cake. There were no wedding rings nor an officiant, but one friend, Tallulah (who goes by a single name), acted as the self-appointed Mistress of Ceremonies, calling up each bride one by one to recite her vows as her friends sat around her on the grass.
At first, Gill didn’t think she’d be married to herself forever. But over time, she came to see that particular commitment as the primary relationship in her life. “You’re the one constant,” she says. “Your parents will die, your children will grow up and your friends will move, but you’re always there. My commitment to myself simply means that I’m not waiting for someone else to fulfil me and there’s no other half I need to get on with my life.”
The concept of self-marriage does appear to be gaining traction. When 36-year-old Lima announced on Instagram that she had married herself, she shared the image of herself wearing a diamond band with an all-caps message of self-empowerment: “What’s up with the ring? It’s symbolic, I am committed to myself and my own happiness. I am married with me.”
Four months later, another woman made international news when she became the first in Italy to marry herself. The ceremony and reception were described as lavish, with 70 guests, a tiered cake and bridesmaids. While the wedding is not legally binding — a marriage is still a contract between two parties — the bride was no less committed, telling the BBC: “I firmly believe that each of us must first of all love ourselves. You can have a fairy tale even without the prince.”
Dominique Youkhehpaz, a woman in Northern California who describes herself as a “selfmarriage minister” and counsellor (she has a BA from Stanford), started self-marrying people at Burning Man in 2011, and has since expanded her business to help women plan their own wedding ceremonies (including a 10-week preparatory course starting at US$200).
For many millennials, selfmarriage can seem a bit passé, perhaps because they have a weakened commitment to marriage in general, delaying or ditching it altogether. (According to a recent Gallop poll, 59 per cent of American millennials are single and have never been married.)
Still for some millennials, like Angela Livingstone, a law student in Ottawa, the idea of “selfcommitment” has an appeal. “I view the commitment to one’s self as a commitment to listening to your own mind, your own needs,” says Livingstone. “Being kind to yourself is hard. Narrowing in on what you genuinely want out of life, and then having the strength to follow that path is hard. So while it may seem sort of ridiculous to express a commitment to one’s self, I support anyone who believes that this expression will help them to be happy and comfortable with themselves.”
But she’s conflicted about this particular trend, particularly buying into the pricey display. “On the one hand, it seems like this is simply another example of people convincing themselves, and others, that they need to buy invitations, buy dresses, buy decorations, and so on. (But) on the other hand, I think most people need to involve others when they are making a big life change.”
While there’s disagreement about the commodification of self-marriage or whether it’s really a growing trend, there’s one aspect of solo weddings we can’t ignore. At its roots, self-marriage is still a form of self-empowerment, a radical exhibition of selfacceptance wrapped up in an important ritual. It’s a validation of life as a single person, a ceremony that declares a sense of completeness rather than a holding pattern awaiting a second half. And while self-marriage isn’t the exclusive domain of women — many solo wedding officiants do not specify gendered services — it has become associated with a specific type of female rebellion.
“It makes sense that people are hungering for a different type of ritual,” says Sasha Cagen, the California-based self-married author of Quirkyalone, a manifesto of sorts for people who prefer being single. “I think a lot of women contort themselves to prioritize romantic relationships and their own sense of self gets lost. (Self marriage) is about saying that who I am and what I need is important.”
While it may seem sort of ridiculous to express a commitment to one’s self, I support anyone who believes that this expression will help them to be happy and comfortable with themselves.