Fixing the NHL, one fun moment at a time
By now you must have heard about David Ayres, the Zamboni driver and amateur goaltender who made his National Hockey League debut at the age of 42 on Saturday.
It’s a story unique to the NHL, where teams designate an emergency backup if both of their full-time netminders are injured and the team’s minor-league subordinates are too far away to help.
Ayres’s role in the Carolina Hurricanes’ victory over the Toronto Maple Leafs has already become the stuff of legend. He has stirred emotions not often felt in connection with professional hockey anymore: joy, surprise, amusement, wonder.
So, naturally, the NHL is looking to make sure this NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
“It obviously raises everybody’s attention to the issue and whether there are fixes that need to be made to that particular issue,” league deputy commissioner Bill Daly told Nhl.com.
These circumstances arise as often as once every several decades, so quick action is vital. But why stop there?
PROBLEM Goal celebrations feature backslapping, fist-bumping, hugging, arm-raising and grinning. SOLUTION Goals can only be celebrated with a simple nod of the head to linemates and a bow to the crowd. One “yahoo” per goal, but in playoff games only.
PROBLEM Gritty, one of the most recognizable mascots in sport after less than two years on the job for the Philadelphia Flyers, has become a surprisingly lovable figure to sports fans. There’s only one way things can go from here. Gritty was cleared of punching a youth a few weeks back, but how long can the NHL take the risk of this plushly terrifying character NOT doing something shameful?
SOLUTION Lose Gritty before he becomes a problem.
PROBLEM It is a long-standing tradition for the winners of the Cup to have the trophy for a day to share with their hometowns, etc. While endearing in a provincial kind of way, this is surely an insurance issue. SOLUTION Players get 24 hours to spend, one-on-one, with league president Gary Bettman instead.
PROBLEM The Stanley Cup might be synonymous with the sport in North America, but it is heavy and takes forever to engrave, every year. SOLUTION Design a sleek, modern, lightweight mug that can easily fit in overhead luggage compartments. Instead of engraving, it should incorporate USB ports so people can plug in to find out who played on the winning teams.