Finding your true self takes courage, support

Coming out put me on the road to where I need to be, says Dakshima Haputhanthri

As a young girl, I knew I was different. When other girls played with their dolls, I played cricket with boys. When my friends started going out with boys, I had no interest in them. I always felt out of place. I always felt there was something wrong with me.

A couple of days ago, I completed five years in Canada.

I landed as an economic migrant in July 2016. I left everything I had: my family, my career, my community.

I jumped onto a plane and decided to disappear. I never before took risks in my life but that was the greatest gamble, just to be with someone I loved.

In my country, Sri Lanka, it was a “forbidden love,” because as a woman, I fell in love with another woman.

Under the Penal Code of Sri Lanka, which we inherited from British rulers in 1886, samesex conduct is a criminal offence. Nothing has changed since.

After years of living in the closet, I was hoping, dreaming and planning for a fantastic life when I came to Canada.

Needless to say, everything did not end up as I expected, at least for the first couple of years. I did not know whom to trust, I lacked support, I did not have coping skills to manage my traumatic triggers.

I wanted to seek support from settlement agencies, but I did not feel safe talking about myself. As a service user, I felt powerless. I could not relate to the mainstream LGBTQ community because of my intersectionality. Time and time again, I was retraumatized, in different ways.

My long-distance relationship ended and I went through numerous mental health struggles.

This is the community I am trying to create in Calgary by providing safety, guidance and ongoing support to individuals who are coming out.

When I came out in my social work class at the University of Calgary, I felt I was reclaiming myself. It felt better. When I came out to my mother, who was in Sri Lanka, I felt horrible and was saddened when she was crying for months.

In hindsight, I can understand her. She has to face her community, she has to face the society that I escaped. The relationship between us was tarnished for some time. When I came out to my father, he took it to his heart. I think in his mind he thought I disappointed him. Being the eldest in the family, I have brought shame to him.

After graduating as a registered social worker, I realized I needed to work hard to make my mission in life a possibility. That is how my Dilipani website started. “Dilipani” means lighted lamp and it is also happened to be my middle name.

This is the community I am trying to create in Calgary by providing safety, guidance and ongoing support to individuals who are coming out and helping to bridge the gap between them and their families.

Mending the broken bond between myself and my parents has not been easy, but it needs to be done because it was necessary to come to terms with my true self. I would like to use the privileges I earned during my transition from being a service user to a service provider and provide a safe space for those who need my support because that was what I craved when I first landed here.

I never thought it was possible for me to find love and to settle down, but today it has become a reality.

I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. It does not matter what our sexuality is, it is possible to be happy. Dilipani is all about finding your true self.