SEX DOESN'T END AT 50
Beyond the taboo, older people should be encouraged to explore sexuality, Linda Kelsey writes.
“We were sitting on a park bench and making out. I was in my
60s at the time. A young man of about 20 rode by on his bicycle and screamed, `Gross!'”
Fortunately both Francine Russo, who describes this incident, and the man she was dating had a sense of humour and the two of them cracked up with laughter. It's an illustration, though, of attitudes to “oldie sex.” If young people don't like the idea of their parents having sex, the thought of their grandparents engaging in sexual frolics is, frankly, disgusting.
In many ways it's the last sexual taboo. And frankly that's not good enough, certainly not for the boomer generation who grew up in an era of so-called sexual liberation.
For the fact is that people over 60 are having sex and, most likely, in greater numbers than before. With increasing divorce among couples in their 50s and 60s and new relationships being formed, there's a lot of it about. Even if there aren't the stats to tell us exactly what's going on, the fact that STDS are on the rise in the over-60 group is evidence that hooking up in later life is the new norm.
And for couples in long-term relationships, often more reluctant to talk openly than the newly single, there are potions, pills and props that make it easier to sustain sexual intimacy.
As the author of the useful and moving book Love After 50: How To Find It, Enjoy It and Keep It (Simon and Schuster), Russo combines personal experience, thorough research and a belief that we are inherently sexual beings to provide an argument for being open and honest about sex in later life.
“To the extent that people can have sex in a way that's comfortable for them, it should be encouraged at any age,” Russo says.
It wasn't until I met my current partner in my late 50s that I discovered the best sex of my life. I'd enjoyed sex some of the time, gone through periods when I pretty much lost interest and then, with the relationship with the father of my son beginning to fail, found it hard to equate bad feelings out of bed with sexual arousal in bed.
Yet 14 years into my relationship with my current partner, and having recently turned
70, there's still a sexual spark between us and that spark is a vitally important aspect of our relationship.
A 2018 report titled Sexual Ageing, by Lauren Towler of the University of Southampton and Matija Sinković of the University of Zagreb, involved a review of a raft of research on the sexuality and sexual health of older adults. It concluded that negative stereotypes regarding the sex lives of older adults over 60 persist, despite sexuality having been proven as a factor that improves quality of life.
And despite new generations of older adults being increasingly liberal in attitudes toward sex and sexual behaviour than previous ones.
Good sex is good for us. It releases endorphins and oxytocin, the feel-good hormones that promote well-being and intimacy. It can aid relaxation, help boost the immune system, lower blood pressure and even improve cognitive function.
According to the researchers, individuals who felt older than their years and had more negative feelings about aging generally reported less interest in sex and a lower quality of sexual experiences than those who felt more positively about themselves and the aging process.
For sex educator Tracey Cox, author of Great Sex Starts at 50 (Murdoch Books), there are three great myths about sex in later life. The first is that sex naturally stops when you get older. “While the hormones that fuel spontaneous sex certainly do disappear, that doesn't mean you can't continue to have great sex until you're in your 90s,” she asserts.
“The trick is to create desire — learn how to turn yourself on — rather than wait for desire to tap you on the shoulder like it did in the past.”
The second is that old sex is inferior to young sex. “Sex is often better for older couples in lots of senses,” she insists. “It's
... more about gentle, unhurried lovemaking that's less penetration focused. Foreplay gets a promotion and that's good news for everyone, men and women.”
And, finally, the idea that you can't be sexy if you're older.
“What utter rubbish that is,” says Cox. “Sexiness isn't youth and a taut body. It's an aura, an attitude, a confidence in yourself, a cheekiness. Anyone can be sexy at any age: you just need to be curious, enthusiastic and enjoy sex.”
Sex and the desire for it is a sign of being fully alive. I challenge anyone to say that's not OK.