Calgary Sun - - LIFE - Askamy­daily@gmail.com @ask­ingamy Amy DICK­IN­SON

Dear amy: I have been mar­ried al­most 15 years to a man I first knew in high school. I first be­came aware of his prob­lem sev­eral years ago, when I found a bra hang­ing in our laun­dry room that was not my size. Fi­nally, my hus­band con­fessed he’d bought it for him­self. He said it was a one-time oc­cur­rence.

Af­ter he re­turned from a busi­ness trip, I found more women’s lin­gerie. He as­sured me this would not oc­cur again. Then, I found a white gown and panties in his back­pack in the trunk of his car. Yes, I was snoop­ing, be­cause I re­mained sus­pi­cious.

He wrote me an email telling me he was fas­ci­nated with fe­male lin­gerie. I de­cided that he had a fetish, and sought mar­i­tal coun­selling. He at­tended, but he didn’t think it helped. I told him then that if he had to make these pur­chases I did not want to ever know about them, and I’d bet­ter not ever find ev­i­dence.

Last week I dis­cov­ered two emails on his phone (yes, I was snoop­ing again) where he has or­dered al­most $1,000 of lin­gerie AND women’s cloth­ing.

He also has a se­cret post of­fice box where these ship­ments are de­liv­ered.

I sent him a let­ter to the P.O. box ask­ing him WHY he has it, and WHY he was buy­ing women’s cloth­ing.

So far, he hasn’t ac­knowl­edged the let­ter.

Our re­la­tion­ship has suf­fered be­cause I feel be­trayed. I do not feel loved, re­spected or cared for.

I think I still love him, but this be­hav­iour dis­gusts me (maybe it shouldn’t). Your ad­vice? — Con­fuSed Wife Dear Wife: you have de­manded that your hus­band must not dis­close any­thing about this fetish to you. you have also de­manded that you must never find any ev­i­dence of it.

He seems to have gone to great lengths to keep this a se­cret, as you in­sist he must.

So why do you keep snoop­ing? if you don’t want to be con­fronted by some­thing, then don’t look for it.

Cross-dress­ing (or per­haps only pur­chas­ing women’s cloth­ing) is ob­vi­ously a very im­por­tant part of your hus­band’s life. it is shock­ing to me that your ther­a­pist didn’t help you to talk about this dur­ing your ses­sions. the way you two com­mu­ni­cate — via email and now postal let­ter — is pas­sive and one-sided. you both seem to ba­si­cally throw down and then run away.

in­stead of in­sist­ing that your hus­band stop do­ing some­thing that he won’t stop do­ing, you might seek to un­der­stand it by dis­cussing it with him, sus­pend­ing your dis­gust and judg­ment un­til you feel you un­der­stand this im­pulse.

you say you feel unloved and be­trayed, but i can imag­ine that your hus­band might feel this way, too.

Dear amy: My boyfriend and I are pretty young, and we have been dat­ing for three years. His fam­ily has picked petty ar­gu­ments with me in the past. A year ago, I posted a photo on so­cial me­dia of me in a bathing suit that some as­sumed was my un­der­wear. My boyfriend’s brother’s girl­friend, “Katie,” reached out to me through so­cial me­dia to tell me that the photo was disrespectful to my re­la­tion­ship.

Some some­what vi­cious mes­sages went back and forth be­tween us un­til I blocked her.

It’s been one year, and at gath­er­ings I refuse to speak to her, even though she once tried to speak to me. Katie is a 30-year-old woman who de­cided to poke her nose into my re­la­tion­ship, though she posts plenty of swim­suit wear and has a history of cheat­ing.

My boyfriend wants us to make up. Am I wrong to ig­nore her? Even if she were to of­fer me an apology at this point, I’m so an­gry I don’t want her in­volved in any part of my life. — Silent Dear Silent: if you want for things to con­tinue as they are — with you be­ing fu­ri­ous for over a year and play­ing the vic­tim — then by all means, keep do­ing what you’re do­ing. if you want for things to change, then you should start be­hav­ing dif­fer­ently, and agree to lis­ten when some­one at­tempts to talk to you.


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