"I needed the biking to be more intense to take the emotional load I couldn't bear"

Struggling to finish his dissertation (the PHD in theology would take eight years to complete) and working part time in a parish, Evan Silcox began questioning his decision to enter the Church. He also began to question his entire life. It got so bad that in December 2017 he found himself in front of a Toronto subway platform just about to step off.

His stresses had been building for some time. Suicidal ideation actually began in 2011, not long after Silcox had begun his PHD. Around 2014, he started feeling scattered, especially as he had to start organizing deep, complex research. In 2015, he was diagnosed with adhd, which provided some explanation for his struggles. Still, managing adhd without medication, was difficult.

Silcox had ridden bikes all his life. When he was young, it was a source of freedom, joy and hope. Silcox remembers being an anxious and serious child. Then he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

His diet and insulin injections further set him apart from others. But the red bmx that he rode to junior kindergarten helped. “Riding to school allowed me to mitigate some of my anxiety,” he says.

On that subway platform in 2017, a stranger, just by chance, happened to walk in front of Silcox, blocking his path. With his attempt at suicide thwarted, he could reassess things. His thoughts eventually came back to his bike.

Even though Silcox had been riding at the time, he felt he needed to change the way he rode. “I needed the biking to be more intense to take the emotional load I couldn’t bear,” he says. “I needed to amp it up to actually see progress. If I could see progress with my training, I could bear the feelings of failure.” So, Silcox set out a rigorous training schedule. He began to get better and better, achieving a race-level of fitness.

With his teammates from Bateman’s Bicycle Company, he rode every morning at 6 a.m. for two years, even through sleet and snow. “I would go riding and then be able to come back and accomplish some writing, spitting out two to five pages,” he says. He also recalls how much the postride coffee shop conversation was almost as rejuvenating as the riding. (“In my dissertation I thanked many of my biking teammates,” he says.)

“The training progress I saw actually helped propel me out of depression, eventually, and probably saved my life,” Silcox says.

Today, Silcox is an Anglican priest. He has a road, mountain and cyclocross bike. The rig that sees a lot of use is his commuter, a 2007 Lemond Poprad. “I ride it to all my meetings, home visits and appointments throughout most of the year. This bike helps me decompress when dealing with the intensity of things that come up in ministry, particularly when I hear about people’s suffering,” he says. The bike continues to be about hope for Silcox.