Mom, I’m Gay

These three little words can trigger a million emotions for parents, but one is constant: love for their child

When basketball player Jason Collins came out recently, he broke a huge barrier in professional sports in North America.

He called on his inner courage to tell the world. It’s exactly what every kid who has ever said those words to his or her parents has had to do. And for some families, hearing

that their son or daughter is gay is still a very big deal.

For some Christians, learning that their son or daughter is gay can create a real crisis. For Anna Schubert*, not so much. “We’d done a lot of learning and growing earlier, when friends in our church had come out. I am so grateful to those friends, who were willing to answer our questions and help us understand who they are, because when our daughter came out, we were really clear about the fact that our priority was to love our child.”

It still wasn’t easy for her daughter, Becky, to tell them, but Anna had known there was something important on her mind. “When she has something heavy to say, she tends to work up to it by just hanging out in the room with me, not saying anything. That day, she was there a long time before she finally came up close beside me, pulled her hoodie right up over her head and blurted out, ‘Mom, I think I’m gay.’”

By then Anna had imagined all sorts of possible crises, so her first reaction was relief. “She asked me if I would tell her dad. It bothered him a little that she didn’t feel able to tell him herself, but he just went over and gave her a big hug and said, ‘I love you.’

“Becky loosened up then,” Anna remembers. “Once she said it and saw that we were OK, the struggle was over for her, and she quickly became comfortable with who she was.”

Not all kids get that family support, at least not right away. “I’ve seen everything from parents embracing the child on the spot to saying, ‘Pack your bags and get the hell out.’ I’ve seen others run away from home because of parental

responses,” says Margaret Myers, a registered marriage and family therapist who specializes in counselling lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and their families. When parents react out of their own shock, disappointment or fear, the consequences can be very painful. “Often children come out to their parents because they are in need of support. They are very vulnerable at this time and the parents’ reaction is so critical. Things can be said that take years to heal,” says Myers.

It was 14 years ago, but Catherine McDonnel* still regrets a decision she made when her then-16-year-old son, Josh, told her he was gay.

“We had kind of suspected he might be,” she says. “But my husband had been quite verbal about saying antigay things – I don’t know, maybe in denial of his suspicions. And because of that, I suppose, I suggested that Josh wait a bit, until after Christmas, to tell his father.

“That was not fair to my husband, Gregory,” she acknowledges, “and it turned out very badly.”

Catherine did talk to a friend about her son, and that friend left a message about it on the answering machine that was picked up by

JULY 2013 Gregory. He was hurt, and Josh, who had been wanting to tell his dad, was furious at the friend. So the whole family was in angry turmoil that wasn’t even directly over Josh being gay. “I felt terrible about it,” Catherine says. “It was all my fault.”

As it turned out, her fears about her husband were largely unfounded. “He was wonderful,” she says. “He said, ‘Josh is my son, and I am going to be there for him no matter what.’”

Catherine readily admits that she was upset by the news. “Mostly, I was fearful for Josh’s safety. The thought of people despising him or wanting to hurt him, without even knowing him as a person, was terrible to contemplate.”

Those fears are very common, says Francine Proulx-Kenzle, president of PFLAG Canada, a support organization for Canadians struggling with issues of sexual orientation and gender identity, and for their families, friends and colleagues. “The differences in parents’ reactions are as numerous as people,” she says. “But very often they feel afraid for their kids, wanting to protect them from the hostility they may encounter.” It’s hardly surprising; we’re all aware that

| INSPIRING IDEAS FOR EVERYDAY LIVING