Perspective team

Work as a Understand their Your partner’s behaviour is key to your relationship with your in-laws—it’s important that you’re a united front. Dr. Samra suggests that you try not to bicker in front of your in-laws; it will only create conflict and encourag

Are your in- laws calling too often, judging your decisions or giving unsolicited parenting advice? Try to see it from their perspective. Maybe they’re lonely or it’s their way of staying involved with family. Maybe they’re from a generation that holds different views about childrearing or believes parents should have influence over their adult children. In the past, Bel often remarked on her son, Dan, and Cheryl’s choice to remain unmarried. Though it was challenging, Cheryl tried to understand that Bel’s discomfort was rooted in her beliefs. “It was a sore spot for her,” says Cheryl. “Being Catholic, she thought marriage was very important.” They chose not to talk about it much, but eventually, after Dan’s two sisters’ marriages ended in divorces, they’d joke about Cheryl and Dan’s long- lasting relationship.

For David and his mother- in- law, the sore spot was something else entirely. “Our families are just so different,” he says. In his wife’s family, no one raised their voices. David, on the other hand, grew up in a house where noisy discussions were the norm. He quickly realized that loud, excitable conversations about hot- button topics ( finances, renovations, work schedules) upset his mother- in- law. Over time, David found a fix. He started to wait until his anger or frustration passed; his wife would act as a go- between, talking to her mother first. And when he was more calm, he returned to the conversation. With this process, it’s become easier to work through challenges.

If this sounds familiar, first try to recognize how your in- laws’ communication style is different from yours. Then, talk to them by mirroring their own communication style, as David did. You can also use humour to explain your conversation habits, says Dr. Samra, by saying something like, “I know my side of the family can be a little overwhelming sometimes, but we talk with our hands, and I feel it’s impossible to speak if I’m not moving around!”