Boundaries Family Feud

Set firm ( but friendly) Not all in- law relationships can be saved. Here are the warning signs that the connection is more harmful than healthy.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to set boundaries with things like having keys to your house, showing up unannounced or directing what should happen with your kids, says Dr. Samra. Setting these kinds of limits with your in-laws might be easier if your partner handles it— after all, they’re his parents. But no matter who delivers the message, be gentle. “Tone and delivery—and a little humour—can go a long way,” says Dr. Samra. She recommends trying something to this effect: “We love to see you, but things are a bit crazy for us on Saturdays with all of the kids’ activities. We’d like it if you could give us a call a day in advance if you’re thinking of popping by.”

When Shannon, a Toronto health professional, started dating her husband, Mark (their names have been changed), she discovered that she couldn’t keep up with her extroverted, energetic in-laws. “There are a lot of extended family gatherings throughout the year,” says Shannon. “It depletes me.” Her relationship with her in-laws is less stressful now that she limits the number of gatherings she attends over any given holiday.

Her in-laws respond best to strong convictions; so, when necessary, she firmly explains her needs. It also helps to let them know when they’ll next be spending time together. “When I leave an event, I’ll say, ‘I’ll see you at the birthday party next month,’ ” she says. “I love Mark’s family. They understand that, for the time I’m there, I’m really there.”

Respectfully setting boundaries is reasonable; not making the effort to be sensitive about it will only hurt your relationship. If, for example, your in-law remarks on your messy house, you may think, Let him try to juggle a full-time job with a teething toddler and a last-minute day-care bake sale. But what comes out of your mouth could be quite different. How about being lighthearted? (“I agree it’s cluttered, but it’s the maid’s day off!”) Dr. Samra notes that you can also appeal to your in-law’s wisdom by saying, “Yes, I’ve not been able to keep up with tidiness since the munchkin started walking! How did you manage when your kids were little?” In a pinch, you can also avoid replying at all and carry on as though you didn’t hear the ungenerous comment.

1.

Physical abuse, such as pinching, kicking, shoving, pulling hair or throwing objects. 2. Any behaviour that puts you or your family at risk, whether physically or emotionally. 3. Verbal abuse, such as chronic name-calling, using obscenities or making insults.

4.

Persistent attempts to control major decisions, such as where you live, when you have children or how you raise them.

Your partner, or both of you, can try talking it over with your in-laws. But if the trouble isn’t fixable, you’ll have to create firm boundaries, and maybe even work out a more arms-length relationship. “Often, we get to a difficult situation where we have to restrict our contact to a handful of times a year, or not even that,” says Vancouver psychologist Dr. Joti Samra. In other words, you just might be better off walking away.