Don’t make excuses, just apologize
Q: I moved in with my nowex after six months of dating. He’s everything I want in a partner.
The day after I moved in, his brother died.
His mom, who lives in a different city and whom I hand’t met previously, came to stay with us. After a week, she went home, then came back in May.
Since then, our relationship was strained. And I fell short on being supportive.
When his mom returned, I went home to my parents to give them quality time together.
Soon after, he broke up with me. He stated that I should’ve stayed when his mom was there, to support him (he never asked me to stay).
He complained that I was three days late paying a bill, which I didn’t know was due (he never reminded me). And that I too often tell him what to do.
I believe he’s My One. How can I get him back? - Heartbroken
A: Proceed very gently. Realize that his grief had a major impact on him, and it takes time to get past those feelings.
Unfortunately, being ‘short on support’ was a huge mistake. And you still, wrongly, make excuses for it.
The minor matter of a slightly late bill-payment is an example of how much he needed you to take care of things while he and his mom were in mourning.
Send him a written note of apology ñ not an email ñ that says you recognize now how you let him down. And how you regret that you didn’t understand enough how hard a time that was for him. Don’t ask to get back together. Wait a month, and this time e-mails okay as you want to make it casual, as in suggesting you meet for coffee.
IF and when you get together, say you’ve learned a lot about the importance of support through difficult times.
There’s no guarantee that he’ll respond the way you want, but you’ll have made a good try and said what he needs to hear from you.
Q:I was widowed six years ago, in my late-40s, after 26 years of marriage to a wonderful man.
On his deathbed, he urged me to find someone else and move on. It was the last thing on my mind, but after three pleas, I reluctantly agreed.
Two years after he passed I tried online dating, had some okay and not-so-okay dates.
It seemed more like a chore than an enjoyable experience.
Now, I’ve given up and am totally okay with it. I have a great group of friends and family’s important to me.
Although I miss not having a best friend/lover, it only surfaces the odd time.
However, my married friends are always asking about my dating life and suggesting I bring “some stud” to the next gettogether. I’m sick of hearing this. I tried to let everyone know I’m not interested in dating and now they say, ‘you’ll meet someone, when you’re not looking.î
What kind of comeback will stop these people from bringing it up again? Annoyed
A-Well-meaning friends need to be cut some slack, because you know they want you to be in a happy relationship again.
Also, you need close friends for companionship and shared interests. So your ‘comeback’ shouldn’t be too harsh or irritable.
Keep it light, with a laugh - “You’ll be the first to know if I meet someone interesting.” Then change the topic.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who asked, after her husband cheated, how can she get over this, stay married to him, make love with him? (June 20):
Reader ñ ìCan a couple bond together again after an affair? My comment is NO, because you cannot ever get that affair out of your head.
‘What’s now missing in the relationship is TRUST.
ìYou can pretend all you want, but in your mind the other woman is always there between you.
ìYou might not leave now (especially if your kids are small). But I can tell you that leaving, even moving away to start a life again, is the best thing for you.
It saved my life!
TIP OF THE DAY: Don’t make weak excuses for having let a partner down. Apologize.