Wait out wife’s affair, or deal with the drama?

Q : I didn’t overreact when my fiancee had a short, anxiety-driven fling before our wedding. We’ve had a successful 20-year marriage since.

Maybe this is just history repeating itself:

I suspected something was up several months ago. Recently, I accidentally discovered indiscretions (on her phone and credit card) that confirmed it.

Her boyfriend is her colleague (also with a family). They’re both in high-end sales for a large company.

It’s always required some late nights and business travel. They’re taking advantage of that.

I know I could angrily confront her.

But, she’s careful to keep what she’s doing outside our home from intruding into it.

In fact, there’s been more attentiveness toward me, not less, and a boost in her energy generally.

It shows in little things, like she’s started to bring me flowers, and big things, like her increased adventurousness in bed.

Given our early history (and my strong aversion to drama), I’m inclined to just let this play out.

I don’t think that either she or her boyfriend want to walk away from family. So, when the novelty wears off, I think their relationship will cool down.

Am I being realistic?

— No Drama

A: In a couple’s private and personal life, what both partners can live with determines the script.

Also, what doesn’t hurt others is your business, but we don’t know whether her boyfriend’s family or spouse is being hurt.

I’m guessing that you’re doing double-time parenting to keep your kids thinking all is fine.

Yet you have doubts and ask whether it’s realistic to think this affair will fade away. Maybe.

It’s possible that her extra attention and adventurousness signal that she still loves you but wanted reaffirmation (as she did 20 years ago) that she’s still desirable to others.

Or, it’s an affair of opportunity being together in that hypedup atmosphere that work trips sometimes create.

Or, she may actually love him. You’ve chosen to wait this out rather than confront and spark drama.

If you continue to just wait it out, one of you will speak up soon enough.

So, think about this if/when you decide to speak:

Sometimes “drama” (which you avoid) is the essential pivotal ingredient that breathes new life into a relationship, which the other person is actually seeking.

Drama (in the short-term) can also be a reaffirmation of love and need for each other, beyond quiet acceptance.