Guilt won’t help but seeing warning signs will help an ex

I was married for 17 years. We met in university but she quit after she became pregnant on our honeymoon.

We had three children and were very busy, separately. I knew years ago that we’d grown in very different ways.

Her life was almost totally about the kids. I spent whatever time I could with them.

She didn’t share any of my other interests (my work, sports, fitness).

I had an affair with my coworker. We married after I divorced my wife, four years ago.

I’ve stayed close to our children and we’re all getting along. My ex and I are more than civil when around our kids and when there are serious matters to discuss.

But she’s been diagnosed with depression from the day I left. She’s on medication, sees a therapist, but periodically talks of suicide (never attempted).

My eldest daughter says her mother’s often weeping or sleeping.

I feel guilty sometimes but have no idea how I can help her.

– Concerned Ex-husband

No one will give you a medal for caring, but it’s important that you do, for everyone’s sake.

She must continue her therapy. The sessions are her safe place to try to understand what happened and heal.

But you, your children (her parents?), a close friend, can alert her therapist and her doctor of any worrisome changes. Keep the numbers handy for all, including that of a hospital mental health unit - if the suicide talk escalates.

Meanwhile, see a counsellor yourself. Another professional may have suggestions on how to turn your sometime-guilt into an approach that might help your ex focus on engaging with life again.

You can’t be her rescuer, but you can take some responsibility when she’s in danger of harming herself.

Tip of the day

Feeling guilt from cheating/divorce won’t change an ex’s reaction, but alertness to mental health signals may help others respond to her needs.